Point
Coachella Was Crazy!
Zachary Vanderbilt
My word, Dude. Speaking from an authoritative standpoint, I must say that this Coachella festival of music was an absolute abomination! Scandalous, outrageous naughty times! These children today become absolutely absurd when aroused by the illustrious vocals of Mr. Leonard Cohen.
Never have I witnessed a festival so rowdy and nude. Why, when I attended the garlic festival of Gilroy, Calif. over the summer, I had a grand old time, and the nastiest thing about it was the smell of my breath at the end of the day!
I expected the young adults of the Coachella festival to be like those of the Renaissance Fair — cultured, educated, rational and absolutely normal! What I witnessed instead was an absolute disregard for any sort of moral conduct. Had their parents been there I reckon these young people would have been bent over and spanked on their bottoms!
And that Kirsten Dunst character — what movies has she even been in? The only thing that I can recall is her Oscar-worthy performance in the classic “Jumanji.”
When I heard about a band named “We Are Scientists,” I expected a scientific demonstration, but what happened was nothing short of catastrophic calamity! Young people smoking Mary Jane and that sort of thing!
I had to use my emergency inhaler and eventually buy a gas mask — it was like walking through a cloudy, outdoor brothel! And then some young harlot tried to rape me with a fleshlight!
It was absolute poppycock!
Next year, I plan to spend my time inside, lounging in my parlor listening to smooth jazz and twirling my mustache ever so gently whilst sipping on brandy … not gin and juice.
