Point

I Hate These Fucking Road Bumps

Edvard Basim

I am sick and tired of all these speed bumps the city is putting everywhere. Really, the city is far too paranoid about road accidents. It’s not like I’m elderly, or a woman, or Asian. I’m a dashing young male in my twenties who happens to own an awesome car. Ever since I got this car, hookers have been paying me for a good time. Well, the ones that I haven’t run over. But this isn’t about my god-like virility; this is about me, my car, and my dislike of driving slowly.

How am I supposed to show off my Hummer V8 36-cylinder Pedestrian Destroyer Quantum Five Engine if I have to stop every 60 feet? I can barely break a hundred in such a confined space!

Now, I am a busy man. I do very important busy man stuff. Like drag race, and drink beer, and drink beer while drag racing. It’s a bonding thing I do with my frat brothers. But these speed bumps are messing up my shocks. I’m starting to get tired of asking my parents to pay for them.

What really bothers me is that I have to pay for them through taxes. Although I don’t actually have a job because my parents buy me everything so I don’t have to pay taxes, assuming that if I hypothetically did get a job, a portion of my hard earned cash would go to road bumps. And I hate these fucking road bumps.

Oh, and one more thing. Is anyone else annoyed by these new speed bumps that scream when you go over them? It’s starting to really freak me out.

Counterpoint

That Man Just Ran Over Me!

Andy Barnabus

Somebody help me, I have just been run over by a car. I am experiencing excruciating pain that can only be caused by being struck with a high speed object weighing several tons. I must say that I am very disappointed in the driving abilities of the man and/or woman who piloted that vehicle. In fact, I am very disappointed with this entire situation in general.

That driver was driving way too fast. If only there were more road bumps to encourage drivers to increase their position at a lesser rate.

I am so upset about this that I am even contemplating writing a strongly worded letter. I’m not sure who to address it to but I assure you that if I were to send it out, someone would surely feel apologetic about the travesty that has befallen my person.

Admittedly, it may be somewhat my fault for not being entirely noticeable. Although I did wear my bright green florescent jumpsuit, this particular night I was feeling especially daring, so I neglected to wear my reflector vest and personal bubble intrusion warning system.

Nonetheless, if I were to ever find the man or woman who ran me over, I would be hard pressed to apologize for damaging his car as this situation is much less desirable in my circumstance than his, or hers. I don’t want to make a gender-based assumption here as that is insensitive to others.

Now please, someone get me to a hospital. That is, if it is not too much trouble for you.