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Volume XIII Issue VI May 9, 2007 Some Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Issue.
celeb
"When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross." — Sun God, God of Gettin' Crunk
UC SAN DIEGO
The Battle of the Century Begins After mating, the female praying mantis is known to decapitate its partner
Gravity Reverses During Soccer Match "I'll headbutt you!" screams Javier Escobar to his worthy adversary.

MORE IN THIS ISSUE

ARTICLES

EDITORIALS

Point

This Is the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
Daniel Larsen
Workout Fanatic

Wow, that was a workout. I don’t think I’ve ever really pumped it for that long. I started out by doing some pretty light stuff just to stretch myself out and get ready for when I had to push it. It wasn’t until I started maxing out with all I could take that it really started to hurt. When I was lying there on my back, out of breath, I almost gave up with all that weight on my chest, but thanks to the effort of my partner, who was pressing me hard, I was finally able to get it off. After that, things calmed down a little so I could rest, but it wasn’t long until I was ready to go for round two. The situation got a little tight when I was doing my squat thrusts because the bar I was holding in my hands made them so sweaty. I don’t think I’ve ever been that wet before. For the last part of my workout I tried to take on my personal max. When I first saw all of that weight on the bar all I could think was, “Oh my God, that is so big!” I hurt a lot when I first started, but I knew that the end reward would be worth it. I love the euphoria I get after something big like that, but I dislike the burning it leaves me with. Oh boy, am I going to be sore tomorrow. Luckily I did a warm-down set. My partner had to leave, so it was up to me to finish myself off. Well, now it’s off to the showers to cool off. I can’t wait to meet my friends at our favorite German restaurant and shove a big, juicy sausage into my mouth.

Counterpoint

That's What She Said
Max Jenkins
Joke Killer

Oh man, that’s what she said. You totally set yourself up for that one. Man, this is so easy. Ha, that’s what she said. Wow, I didn’t think I could set myself up for these, but it’s still funny even when I do. I don’t think I even need anybody else to do it for me. Holy crap, that’s what she said. I am on fire! It’s so awesome that this joke will never get old. I can just keep doing it over and over again. Dude, do I even need to say “That’s what she said” after that one? I mean, it was so obvious. This is great. It’s like a never-ending joke factory that will never run dry. This is going to stay funny forever. It’s just like those Chuck Norris jokes. I didn’t think I would ever see anything get bigger than that but…that’s what she said! Wow, I am so up right now. That’s what he said? Man, I don’t know if this is still that funny. I feel like I might be stretching this too much. Wait, what’s that? Did you just say, “That’s what she said?” Oh man, that’s so awesome. I can’t believe that I almost gave up on this. You totally have the same awesome gift as me. We should seriously team up and both get on top of this.

NEWS
IN BRIEF

Hillel to Celebrate the Eight Days of Sun God

A recent discovery in the Torah reveals that Sun God has been celebrated in the Jewish tradition for thousands of years. Reportedly, there was an ancient keg that the Jewish people tapped for eight days. Hillel has since bought the rights to the Festival.

Rabbi Rosenberg stated, “Now that Sun God is officially a Jewish holiday, there will be eight days of celebration instead of the traditional one.”

The Jewish buyout of Sun God comes with many other changes, including the commandment that students must consume large amounts of alcohol during all eight days. Everyone is reminded to follow the commandments of Sun God “lest they wish to be circumcised. Again.”

Top Ten

Things Sun God Shows off on MTV Cribs

  1. His giant nest made of twigs, bits of string, and the bones of virgins
  2. A yappy dog that follows him around that he doesn't even like
  3. A constantly-beeping smoke detector
  4. His blinged-out 1987 Pontiac Firebird that he can't drive
  5. Gold-encrusted Jeff Goldblum Criterion DVD box set
  6. Eternally burning ball of fire that keeps him from turning to stone
  7. Nazi paraphernalia
  8. His posse of demi-gods who lie around the pool just to get on TV
  9. A very nice rug he got at a reasonable price that really ties the room together
  10. His asbestos-laden Olympic-sized bed, the place where "the magic happens"