Point
I'm So High I Can Feel the Universe
Jason Lloyd
Stoned Slacker
Dude, I’m so stoned right now. It’s a little after three in the afternoon and I’ve been smoking since I got up. Wait, what? It’s eight at night? That is freaking awesome, man. I’ve been smoking for over twelve hours. Twelve freaking hours, man. Shit … I’m so high right now I can feel everything at once. It’s like reaching out and putting my hands the whole universe at once. Everything makes sense to me, finally. Dude…I understand now. All the world’s religions are wrong. I can feel the universe and it tells me all the happiness I’ll ever need. The meaning of life is so simple! If only everyone could experience the happiness of feeling the universe as it really is. Dude…you are missing out man…this is the shit. I don’t want to ever feel anything else except this enveloping oneness with the universe. I am one with everything and everyone…dude.
Counterpoint
Stop Touching Me
The Universe
Everything That Is
Okay, how about you be a nice little stoner and let go now. I said let go. Hey fucktard, back off and get your X-treme Cheeto-stained fingers off of me. I don’t care if they are dangerously cheesy. I want them off of me right fucking now. Do you know who I am? I mean really know who I am. I’m the universe. That’s right, you had your moment, you reached out and touched me. That’s nice, but for the love of God I do not have the time for this. Oh, now look. I got so worked up I ended blaspheming myself. I hope you’re happy. Oh, what? You didn’t realize that as the universe I’m the source of all creation? Well, I am, so show a little respect. When I ask you to back off, you do it. Can you wrap your little drug-addled brain around that concept?
NEWS
IN BRIEF
2008 To Tie Record for the Most Consecutive Days
Experts predict the year 2008 will tie for the record for 366 consecutive days in a row. The last time 366 days appeared in a single year was in 2004.
Meteorologist George Anderson explained, “This year has a strange event. An extra day just appeared at the end of February for no apparent reason. ”
According to archeological records, an additional day has appeared every four years ever since the beginning of the universe in 4004 BC.
This makes the year 2008 the 1503rd year to tie for most consecutive days in a row.
Top Fifteen
Perks of Flying Medieval Airlines
- Airplane taxied by team of horses
- The pilots have no idea how this metal bird stays in the air
- 100 percent less raptors than Jurassic Air
- The plates are really giant pieces of bread!
- Food cart jousting
- Chamber pots conventiently located under every seat
- In-flight midget jester
- Ye Olde Skye Mall
- Pilots safely secured in sheaths of armor
- Pittance of peanuts replaced by joint of mutton, Cornish game hen
- All the convenience of the Middle Ages, today!
- 100 year price war with Air France
- Parapets
- In case of water landing, serfs can be used as flotation devices
- Whosoever pulleth the plane out of the nosedive is rightwise born king of England.
