Local Teenagers Are ‘Sooo Voting for Arnold’
The Terminator, the bodybuilder, the Austrian-American uber-loony, franken-faced gubernaut: all valid choices for today's uninformed youth of California. - photo by Laura Paajnen
Laura Paajanen & Michael Truex
Support for actor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s bid for the California Governership has hit an all-time high amongst California’s 18 to 21-year-olds, a group apparently willing to ignore Schwarzenegger’s nonexistent platform and dubious moral character.
When asked to elaborate as a representative of her age group, Warren freshman Jennie Myles enthusiastically declared the primary reason she’s “sooo voting for Arnold” in the California recall election is his “totally biteable ass.” When pressed for more concrete opinions on Schwarzenegger’s proposed policies, Myles stated, “He was in Junior. I think that means he’s pro-family, right?”
Fellow student Darren Jameson, while not disagreeing over the biteability of Schwarzenegger’s ass, was more impressed with the candidate’s support of ex-Nazi party member Kurt Waldheim, describing it as “hardcore.” Added Jameson, “[Schwarzeneger’s] a man of conviction. He doesn’t change his views just because them liberals think Waldheim’s not PC. I hear that Arnold’s dad was somehow in with Waldheim, too. It’s nice to see things kept in the family.” Continued Jameson, “He’d take out any other governor in a cage-match any day of the week. Except for maybe Ventura, but I don’t think he’s even in office anymore.”
The Republican ex-bodybuilder has also tapped into the traditionally Democratic demographic with self-proclaimed “friend of all tree-spirits.” Libby Morris, espousing her support despite Schwarzenegger’s purported ties to Enron’s Kenneth Lay and other industrial figures, said, “Arnold is pro-environment, even if he has five Humvees. I hear he says a little prayer for every woodland creature he inadvertently crushes under the wheels of his monstrous vehicles. I can relate to that. I mean, I’m totally a tree hugger, unless they’re like scratchy or sappy or something, or I’m wearing white.”
Ray Tsang, a sophomore student majoring in Political Science, gave reasons for supporting Schwarzenegger that hit closer to home. “My family has a long tradition of voting for actors who have found their true calling in politics, from Sunny Bono to Ronald Reagan to, umm, Ronald Regan. Well, I guess we did vote for him twice. We even distributed copies of Bedtime for Bonzo to our entire church when he was up for reelection. I don’t think Schwarzenegger has ever starred opposite a monkey, but I still have hope that he’ll be elected.”
Added Tsang, “Hope for Schwarzenegger to be elected, by the way. Not the monkey.”
Schwarzenegger is also drawing support from more organized and diverse campus groups, including an underground UCSD drug-dealers’ union, Local 354. Said an anonymous member, “we appreciate Arnie’s recreational drug use, even if he’s occasionally denying it.” Speaking from a shadowy corner of the UCSD tunnel system, she continued, “Having a candidate who draws attention to the services we provide is important to us. All too often we’re overlooked by local communities, or worse yet, ostracized as criminals rather than the noble and dedicated professionals we are.”
The political mood may be best summed up by Pamela Demonde, who registered to vote specifically to support Schwarzenegger’s campaign. When asked why, Demonde’s only response was, “C’mon! I was able to set a nude picture of him set as my desktop. If that can’t fix California’s multi-billion dollar budget deficit, I don’t know what will.”