Iceland Discovers Volcanoes Make Excellent Tourist Traps

After spending far too much money on volcano-shaped knick-knacks, Admiral Ackbar makes a shocking discovery. - photo by Doran Joy

Zac Hann

Iceland was delighted to find out this May that the volcanic eruption that delayed travel across Europe has been the most beneficial event for the country since the release of “D2: The Mighty Ducks.” In addition to helping people across the globe realize that Iceland exists, many foreigners have found themselves unable to leave the island in the north Atlantic, and Iceland is enjoying an unprecedented, albeit unwilling, tourist season.

Thousands of financially strapped tourists, businessmen, scientists and people who for some other unfortunate reason were forced to visit Iceland’s desolate slopes found themselves trapped by the eruption of Eyjafjallajökull or, as it is commonly known, “that fucking volcano with the long-ass name that won’t let me leave this goddamned island.”

When not bemoaning the cruel whims of fate that left them stranded on the isle, they have found themselves learning about the culture of Iceland. “They really like fish,” one woman observed, “and impossible to pronounce names.”

“You just absolutely can’t find a party here, man,” one college student from California said. “I really don’t know why planes can’t fly in this stuff, you know?” he went on, inhaling a whiff of the ash-saturated air. “I mean, I’ve been in hotboxed cars that were waaay worse than this.”

Some, however, are optimistic about the recent events. “I feel that this is a great opportunity for Iceland,” commented President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson. “People are being forced to eat Icelandic food, buy Icelandic products and sleep with Icelandic politicians,” he added with a wink and a nudge to the prime minister.

Icelanders who were abroad when the disaster occurred found themselves stranded in foreign nations and unable to fly home have discovered that they are now subjects of fascination. Before this, announcing that one was from Iceland was normally met with blank stares and comments such as, “Wow, that sounds cold.”

Now Icelanders are enthusiastically hailed with cheerful greetings such as, “I can’t fly back home and my kids have been starving for a week because of your volcano, asshole!” and “Iceland! That’s the country you need to capture Europe in Risk, right? Five extra units per turn! Yes!”

Iceland military personnel have recently been spotted dumping copious amounts of chemicals into Eyjafjallajökull’s crater, which cause ever-greater amounts of smoke and ash to spew forth from the mountain. When asked about this suspicious activity, they avoided answering. However, an inside source was able to comment anonymously on the chemicals: “Iceland needs the ash to keep tourists here as long as possible. After all, it’s only a matter of time before people figure out that there are other ways to travel internationally besides flight.”