Foreign Students Still Making Fun of You in Native Languages

“I love diversity, but not when I have to interact with it!” says this anguished white hipster. - photo by Tim Etler

Sandra Pelosi

Local authorities had to break up a riot of multiculturalism that occurred last Friday afternoon on Library Walk. A follow-up report stated that the disturbance was due primarily to “American and Asian-American students tired of dealing with the constant ‘shit talking’ from foreign students.”

“I just couldn’t take anymore,” ranted frustrated hooligan Gavin Benjamin. “Every single time I walk by a group of foreign Asian kids this year I always hear them giggling at me, and I know they are mocking my matching outfit and low 3.88 GPA.”

“It’s unfair!” Gavin sighed. “Since they talk in Asian, I don’t have a chance to defend myself.”

The riot was said to have begun when a group of foreign exchange students from Korea were congregating in front of Geisel library, carrying on conversations louder than a chainsaw and blocking the entrance with a cloud of their cigarette smoke. Nothing out of the ordinary happened until a crowd of students came running out of Geisel attacking other students with their textbooks and dangerously pointy protractors.

University officials blame the end of the year and the approach of finals week for students’ dwindling tolerance levels of foreign chatter. “Students will often turn the other cheek while hordes of foreign students speak in their native language,” said university liaison Joyce Kung. “Now students find the comments as difficult to ignore as the mysterious itch from below after a drunken night of partying.”

“I want claw out my eyes every time I see those little stick figures without souls,” explained one rioter, Eric Stein. “Their short-shorts, furry boots and obnoxious trucker hats. Can’t you make a friggin’ decision? Are you going to dress like it’s hot outside or like it’s cold outside? Make up your mind!”

Many predict it will only be a matter of time before the students’ wrath turns to all sorts of non-English-speaking foreigners. Simply ordering food in an ethnic restaurant, some suggest, will be enough to incite another large-scale confrontation.

Despite this violent outbreak last weekend and a number of death threats sent to the International House, students still claim that foreigners continue to make fun of their American counterparts.

“The only option now for students tired of the constant derision is to learn their enemies’ languages,” said linguistics professor Eric Bakovic. “Really, this could be an extremely positive, educational experience … for the survivors.”