Taiwan ‘Goodwill’ Pandas Actually Menaces to Society
“Mommy said pandas are nice, and that’s why she gave me one for my birthday,” says this unsuspecting, innocent little girl. - photo by Tim Etler
Riaad Vanderwaal
Shortly after China offered two pandas to Taiwan as a symbol of peace, the bears became big, cuddly menaces to society. They have recently been scheduled for deportation to a prison camp on one of Taiwan’s southern islands.
China has been struggling with the issue of the two rebellious Ailuropoda melanoleuca, since culling the animals was not a feasible option due to strict World Wildlife Fund regulations.
“We couldn’t just poison them or make them fall off a cliff, because there were regular check-ups by WWF representatives,” said an anonymous source inside the panda-breeding facility in Chengdu. “However, the recent friendship between the Mainland and Taiwan has offered us a perfect opportunity to get rid of these horrible beasts and still save face.”
The public relations stunt is the communal brainchild of Mainland China and Taiwan, as they both saw the benefit in the exchange of these generally loveable, inoffensive creatures. In recent months however, Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan have been terrorizing both other pandas at the facility in Chengdu and the establishment’s employees.
“The names of the pandas, Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan, mean ‘unity’ when spoken together, but only in an ancient Qin-Dynasty dialect which has long been dead,” explained Yuan Ming, the Chinese official who had managed the gift giving. “In modern-day Mandarin it loosely translates to “fuck off,” so in retrospect it may not have been the best idea we’ve ever had.”
According to reports, the pandas have been seen stealing bamboo from other pandas, stockpiling it, and then selling it back to their previous owners in exchange for sexual favors or back scratches.
The pandas have also interrupted breeding sessions, regularly storming into rooms where pandas were mating to point at them with gigantic, furry paws and emit sounds that can only be loosely described as “laughter.”
When given treats, they would simply grab the treats from the employees, run back a few meters and then start flinging dung at the innocent administrators of goodwill. According to zoologists, they most likely learned the dung flinging from chimpanzees also kept at the facility.
Tears of joy were seen in their keeper’s eyes as the pandas were transported away earlier today, and although he didn’t want to comment he was heard saying: “That’ll serve those black and white bastards well!”
A prison camp dubbed the “Animal Guantanamo” in Taiwan will henceforth be home to Tuan Tuan and Yuan Yuan. It also houses notorious animals like Bald Bob, the bald-headed eagle convicted of treason in America, as well as a gorilla that was arrested for trying to impersonate Sylvester Stalone.
