Local Leper Says He Deserves ‘Special Treatment, Own Colony’
“When I grow up, Mr. Carpoon, I wanna be just like you!” squeals this little do-gooder as she enviously eyes the lepers’ putrid flesh. - photo by Divya Bhat
Sarah Kapp
Francis Carpoon raised quite a stink at a rally last week designated for lepers’ special rights. He insisted on being the only person present, claiming he would infect the entire community with his “flesh eating disease.” In response to this, Mayor Gabriel Sinclair stated, “Adorable! We love that crazy kook! I give him a hug and a kiss every time I see him. He’s like the town mascot.”
Carpoon fancies himself a misanthrope and demands he be given an island all to himself. Mayor Sinclair released a statement in response to this; “Ridiculous! His own island? Then how would he come to my daughter’s bake sale next week or Sue Jenkins’ potluck? She would be so disappointed.” Carpoon has built a house on a cul de sac that he calls his “island” and has crafted a sign that says “no people allowed,” with various backwards letters.
He can be spotted peering out of his tree and throwing acorns at school children and passersby, to which people chuckle, leave him snacks, and move along.
As the town continued refusing to grant Carpoon his own island, Carpoon decided to give the town their comeuppance by accompanying Mayor Sinclair’s daughter to her fourth grade class’ show and tell. Much to Carpoon’s dismay, the children showered him with affection, called him “Uncle Francie” and demanded he give them piggy-back rides for the better part of two hours.
He was named the classroom mascot and was given a special friendship plaque. Carpoon refused the affection by roaring consistently and waving his sickly arms at the children, to which they shrieked with joy that Uncle Francie wanted to dance.
Carpoon remains in his tree, disgruntled by Mayor Sinclair’s decision and the unfailing love of the community. He has taken to throwing sharp pebbles and sticks at passersby, trying to up the ante, but this has only resulted in the people of the town actually taking turns hugging Carpoon’s tree.
Local boy Benny Harper states, “We love Uncie Francie forever! He is the best at all the coolest stuff! Pebble tossing, tree climbing, piggy-back rides … Mom said he can eat dinner at my house tomorrow. I can’t wait to tell the other kids!”
Carpoon has recently been taken up as leader of the local Boy Scout troop. He claims to hate it, but was seen teaching the boys to fly a kite, tie knots and cook hotdogs. When asked about this highly non-misanthropic behavior Carpoon sheepishly muttered, “They won’t leave me alone! And they’re very fun … they showed me how to put a club house in my tree!”
