Born-Again Buddhists Campaign for Creepy Cult Status

Buddhist membership has skyrocketed after the introduction of the “convert or I’ll self-immolate on your lawn” tactic. - photo by Tim Etler

Henry Becker

A group of self-described Born-Again Buddhists set up free holy bookstands and preached on street corners outside the halls of Congress yesterday morning to jumpstart a national campaign to spread the illustrious word of Siddhartha Gautama and become “really, really creepy.”

Pedestrians at the scene reported confrontations between themselves and the Born-Again Buddhists, who described all the ways that the infinitude of existence and eternal emptiness of being were “going to really suck” if they practiced premarital sex and did not vote Republican.

“They were waving signs saying things like, ‘You don’t deserve eternal enlightenment in the peace of stillness,’” said Christine Matthews, mother of three. “I had to cover my babies’ ears so they wouldn’t hear the profanity. We couldn’t possibly let those nasty Buddhists impose their beliefs on us like that.”

Continued Matthews, “Haven’t they ever heard of the separation of church and state?! You can’t say things like that in public!”

The movement first gained national attention following a report issued by a Congressional task force finding the Buddhist religion, a 2,600-year-old belief system based on ideals of peace and understanding, as “the most docile religion on earth.”

Buddhist leaders reportedly responded by violently accosting students on college campuses and talking about their religious convictions during awkward, off-color conversations at dinner parties. Buddhist numbers have swelled to a significant size in anticipation of what they call the Second Coming of the Buddha.

“It’s totally happening,” locally known douchebag Brett Stevens said. “Siddhartha Gautama is going to return to make peace with the weak and wicked in a new era of understanding that’s going to totally rock the earth!”

Added Stevens, “There’s gonna be fire and shit.”

Critics have been skeptical of the possibility of a massive conversion on the scale of the Born-Again Christian movement of the 1990s. In his recent book, “More Booty With Buddha,” UCSD professor of religion Rhemus Mackak explained the local phenomenon as an amalgamation of college students, hippies and the easily-convinced.

“What’s troubling is no one could do anything,” Mackak explained. “This merely foreshadows yet another annoying guy with a large hemp hat selling tiki torches for charity. This is exactly what happened with the Rastafarians.”

However, Buddhist leaders remain optimistic for positive reform and growth. The Dalai Lama, recently elected the Mayor of Berkeley, California, has issued an ultimatum to Congress giving warning of an unstoppable political movement.

“Now is the time,” His Holiness said while watching the sun rise on the distant horizon. “We shall peacefully bring them to their knees with our colorful prayer flags and pseudo-devotion.”