Owners Disappointed With Self-Reliance of New Puppy

This puppy longs for opposable thumbs as he eyes the New York Times resting in the magazine rack. - photo by Tim Etler

Sarah Kapp

Jane and Gerald Wellings returned an adorable golden retriever puppy to the pound yesterday, claiming that the puppy did not perform as advertised.

“We wanted her to be like that adorable ‘Marley’ movie,” Jane whined, “where the puppy gets into all kinds of mischief and needs his owner/best friend for guidance. I want him to die without me!”

Among their list of complaints were that, instead of adorably chewing on the brand new couch, their puppy sat politely on it. She then had the nerve to do her business outside instead of in the corner of the Wellings’ expensive home.

“It’s like she doesn’t even care,” sniffed Gerald. The puppy’s behavior became even stranger when she began to walk herself and use all the hot water for an early morning shower. Her owners claimed that now she was just “showing off” and “doing it to spite them.”

The last straw came when Jane and Gerald returned home from a night out, hoping to find chewed shoes and a poop in the corner, but instead caught their puppy wearing half-moon reading glasses and doing their taxes.

Francine Henderson, head puppy wrangler at the pound, commented on the situation: “We’ve run into a lot of this in the wake of that damn movie. People expect these little guys to be bundles of mischief, getting into all kinds of trouble, when really the actor who played that dog has two degrees from top notch universities and refused to let that Wilson fellow in his trailer during breaks.”

“These dogs are fiercely intelligent and will not be dumbed down for our amusement,” she finished grimly.

The Wellings began showing their puppy how they wanted him to behave by behaving like reckless puppies themselves. They bit strangers, got tangled in bushes and humped the furniture. During their interview today, they had to be sprayed with squirt bottles several times to keep them from trying to eat the sandwiches from a nearby school picnic.

Rather than improve the situation, this has only made matters more extreme as their dog now reprimands them by hitting them with newspapers while wearing their pajamas to sleep and designer suits during the day. He has also become involved in the community as a rather active voice on the PTA and a beloved member of the local country club.

After his return to the pound, their puppy has begun writing a play based on his experience that is set to make a splash off-broadway this year. Anti-puppy biases have reportedly kept it off Broadway, and a number of protests have been organized, with the puppy playwright leading the way. He is praised for being an animal rights activist and has been invited to the White House.

Now, without the puppy ruining their lives, the Wellings have returned to their regular activities. “That dog was so strange,” Gerald concludes. “Very inappropriate,” echoed Jane, as they both tried to chew on each other’s sneakers.