Nine Percent Tuition Hike Used to Pay Grove Debt

“Quality is first here at the Grove,” explains this manager. “And nothing burns faster or sweeter than crisp, green Benjamins.” - photo by Tim Etler

Kristin Muench

In light of the massive debt accrued by UCSD’s Grove Caffe, the Regents of the University of California have decided to enlist the monetary support of all 10 of the UC campuses.

A fee hike recently voted into action will increase yearly student tuition by exactly 9.3 percent in order to generate an abundance of money that can be used to pay off the Grove’s financial obligations.

“Our campuses, although different at first sight, are all part of a very close-knit university community,” explained UC President Mark Yudof. “If one of our members is struggling, it is the duty of the entire community to band together and keep that failing venture alive.”

The UC system has a long history of pooling its resources to assist an individual university. The benevolent sharing between top-notch professors at Berkeley and Merced has become quite legendary.

The Grove’s stock — primarily coffee and paninis — makes it a valuable resource worthy of high prioritization, said UCSD representatives.

“These two items consist of 78 percent of the calories consumed by the average UCSD student every day,” said university spokesman Rod Livingston. “They are the staple of the student diet. After the closing of both the Grove and Sierra Summit, the entire student population will starve.”

“Until they discover cannibalism,” added Livingston as an afterthought. “Especially after the addition of human anatomy and physiology to the general education requirements of all six colleges, I figure students will know exactly which parts to eat first.”

“… ladies,” he added with a grin.

The Grove has long been a beloved, tranquil, hidden symbol on campus that several donating alumni are hesitant to see leave. Many San Diego locals also fear that the closure of the Grove might force them to make the dirt-caked floor of the Ché Café their new stomping grounds.

“Of course I think it’s worth it to keep the Grove afloat,” said Marshall College sophomore Tara Lakeston, when polled about her feelings toward the landmark. “I mean, someone has to make the Mandeville Coffee Cart look good.”

The move to use student fees to support the flagging venture was greeted with unanimous approval by the Board of Regents. Motions to change management, lower prices and improve the quality of services offered through a merger with other successful food stores on campus were greeted as “unrealistic,” “inconsiderate” and even “damned socialist.”

If a fee hike is insufficient to pay off the Grove’s debt, the regents have resolved to give UC leaders a pay raise and then table the matter until a later date.