Tainted-Goods Store Opens in Shanghai

“Yihe! Stop dragging your feet!” says this exhausted parent to his tearful daughter. “You’ll only get a deal like this once in your short lifetime!” - photo by Stephanie Fairbairn

Riaad Vanderwaal

In yet another “sign of the times,” China has decided to capitalize on its recent bad luck with its exports by opening a “Tainted-Goods Store” in Shanghai.

The store is the first of its kind in China and will provide a wide range of goods at lower than rock-bottom prices. “We have an excess of perfectly usable goods that can be sold to the public — at their own risk — which will help stimulate the economy and create more jobs,” says Shen Yi, spokesperson for the Chinese health department.

He added: “Jobs will not only be created by the influx of capital but also by the outflux of our dead consumers, opening even more positions.”

The store will offer goods ranging from toxic dog food to “poultry that died of all-natural causes.” Not only will there be consumable goods but also other products such as brightly colored children’s toys with a slight hint of lead which, Yi promises, will “bring out the excellent flavor of the plastic.”

“I always wanted to buy these toys for my children, and now I can afford to,” said one of the first customers at the store who came to make use of the “insanely” low prices on toy trains and tea sets.

When asked about the health-risk involved in purchasing toys with lead paint, she answered: “I don’t think it’s unsafe at all. By the time the led poisoning takes hold of my children, they’ll be so far gone from malnutrition and lung disease that they’ll be begging to die!”

Currently, the best-stocked division of the store is the extensive “Melamine Section,” which even boasts new brands such as “CotDeath Baby Milk” and “Kidney Quarry Drinkable Yogurt.”

“The products are the perfect combination of ridiculously cheap and just slightly lethal to make sure they remain fast moving,” explained one British financial analyst. “Plus, all the money consumers are saving can be used on the medical bills that these products will necessitate!”

The opening of the store coincides with the arrival of an envoy of contractors from the Sichuan school building being sent to Haiti to help reconstruct schools that collapsed on the island last year. “All of these efforts are signs that we are willing to give back to the people in times of need,” says Yi.

The store will also feature as a kiosk at the USA pavilion for the 2010 Shanghai World Expo, to help raise funds for the construction of the pavilion. The store hopes to win over American customers through its diverse selection of environmentally friendly recycled goods: from used condom hair bands to reusable styrofoam cups thrown away by Michael Phelps during the last Olympics.