Perspective: I Totally Got Stuck With All The Sins of The World

Jesus Christ

Oh my God, I don’t believe this. I really got screwed during this whole world salvation project we were working on. First I was on water-to-wine duty, then I got shoved to the forefront of things as a prophet and miracle worker—which I didn’t mind so much—but then somehow I totally got stuck with all the sins of the world!

Goddammit! I can’t believe how those other guys backed out on me. Everybody’s individual part of the project was specifically mapped out on the office whiteboard, and we each had strict deadlines to follow so that all the work would be shared equally among us. Good-for-nothing apostles.

I knew this was going to happen, too. I came back to the office once after a long day of preaching and guiding humanity toward salvation and I found Matthias in the air-conditioned office playing with that little basketball hoop he keeps in his cubicle. And it seems like every time I would look up from my stack of work, I’d see Peter and Bartholomew standing around chatting it up by the water cooler. Lazy bastards.

According to the office full-value-contract which we all sat down and made when we got into this whole business venture, nobody is supposed to leave any other team member with more than their fair share of work. Whether it’s taking out the trash, cleaning up around the coffee maker, or dying for the sins of the human race so they can pass into the glorious Kingdom of Heaven, we decided to each do our part, not just leave Jesus hangin’ with the deadline fast approaching.

We were each supposed to do a little bit of work and split up the crucifixion in equal parts. The two Jameses were each supposed to take an arm, and Matthew and Thomas each got a leg. I said I’d go meet the Romans and bring them to the spot we’d agreed on, but when I got there everybody else had gone to Judas’s place to watch the football game on TV.

I mean, was I the only one who took my part of this project seriously? Jesus Christ!