Long-Distance Relationship Lasts Record-Breaking Two-and-a-Half Weeks
Andrew Collins
In a press conference Thursday in the Price Center ballroom, UCSD freshman Michael Linson and girlfriend Heather Butterfield announced the formal nullification of their 27-month-long relationship. The couple met while attending Mission San Jose High School. They had initially planned on continuing their “deeply passionate affair” despite the fact that their respective colleges are four hours apart.
According to Linson, “We thought our love was strong enough to keep us bound together despite the fact that every single person who’s tried a long-distance relationship in college has been driven down into the depths of despair. When Heather chose Western Arizona University over UCSD, I fleetingly questioned her judgment. But our love, I thought, was stronger than that, and there was no other reason to break up.”
“Also,” added Michael, “the sex was just starting to get really good.”
Juliana Perlman and Kevin Middleton, friends of the couple, described them as “cool” and “normal,” but ridiculed their decision to stay together beyond their transition to college. Mutual friend Tyler Snellings stated, “They had a good thing going like everyone else, but everyone except them realized that college is the last place you want to be tied down and forced to decline offers of sloppy, drunken hookups at every party you stumble into.”
The couple’s decision to split was evidently catalyzed by their immediate discovery of eligible and attractive schoolmates upon moving into their respective dormitories. According to unnamed sources, Katie Whinton, who lives two floors below Linson, showed interest in him during a Welcome Week Twister game, and the two ended up “sucking face like crazy” at a party by the end of the week. Linson justified these actions by saying, “Heather and I tried phone sex and even cyber sex, but nothing can really substitute for having a girl suck on your tongue in real life. Katie was able to supply that, and suddenly my relationship with Heather seemed tragically flawed.”
Butterfield recalled similar events and admitted, “During the first weekend after classes began, I ended up getting a little too drunk at a frat party and had sex with this one guy on top of the washing machine. It was great, too – I was used to Michael lasting only about 5 minutes back in high school, but with all that whiskey in my frat guy, my hookup seemed to go on forever and ever.”
“Wait, you had sex with him?” exclaimed Linson when he heard Butterfield’s confession. “All I did was make out with someone. I’m going to kill myself.”
The couple concluded the conference with the resolution to keep each other “as backups, since we definitely seem to get along really well.”
The two and a half weeks that the couple spent “together” despite the distance between their colleges is significantly longer than any other couple’s attempt at staying faithful in the same situation, prompting Vice Chancellor of Student Life Joe Watson to present them with a special plaque. Runners-up Nancy Chen and David Brown, whose attempts at a long-distance relationship lasted all of four days, received honorary mention.