Perspective: Um, what’s going to be on the midterm?

Cindy Li

Hi. I appreciate you distributing the syllabus today, the first day of class. Despite the fact that I studied the printout for less than two entire seconds, I have a few questions that have yet to be answered. I’d like to assault you with these questions now while everyone rolls their eyes at me for holding up the entire lecture and wasting the time of nearly 300 of my peers. I know you have yet to speak a word on the actual subject matter of this course, but what exactly is going to be on the midterm?

Yes, okay. Thanks. I understand now that whatever is covered during weeks one through five will be included in the midterm. I appreciate you humoring my asinine question with such patience. Unfortunately, you have yet to satisfy the level of detail that my irrational mind cares to obsess over. I’d like to know exactly, in a bulleted list, what will be asked of me on the upcoming exam.

Well, yes, I concede that this is precisely the sort of thing we come to class every day for. I understand that I essentially asked you to teach the class before you could even begin to do so and that my question basically made a mockery of any kind of course structure that you set up. Still, I’d like you to break it down so I can diligently copy down every patronizing word you say into my newly bought sparkly purple notebook.

Well, okay. I guess I’ll just attend lecture on a regular basis like the rest of the class. I will, however, continue to interrupt at every opportunity to confirm whether or not a specific principle or passage will appear on the midterm. My incessant chorus of “Will this be on the midterm?” will constantly remind you of your dislike for your job and your hatred of grade-chasing shitheads like myself.

Before you get back to speaking after I derailed your fledgling attempts at an introductory lecture, I’d like to rudely pursue another shallow, time-wasting question: what kind of curve will be used in grading this class? It’s pointless, I know, but I have a pathological disorder and need you to pander to my simpering little needs. I know that my classmates will forgive me in due time, and I just positively must know.

Oh? It says on the syllabus? On the first page? Oh, ok. I’m sorry, I guess my eyes just glazed over the 16-point “Grading Policy” heading. Thanks.

One last thing: what chapters will be covered on the final?