Meteorologists Puzzled Over ‘Gayest Summer Ever’
Ted McCombs
The Office of the Federal Coordinator for Meteorology released its annual report on the weather of summer 2003 today, entitled “The Gayest Summer Ever.” According to the Deputy Federal Coordinator James Harrison, the study was initiated shortly after the monumental ruling of Lawrence v. Texas, which declared anti-sodomy laws unconstitutional.
Said Harrison, “When we heard that two men could have constitutionally-protected sex, we knew something gay was in the air. Little did we know it was just the tip of the iceberg.” With the debate over gay marriages in Massachusetts, the appointment of a gay bishop in New Hampshire, the overnight success of the Bravo original series “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” and President Bush’s declared opposition to homosexual unions, the OFCM found itself swamped with a nationwide obsession with everything homosexual.
“We’ve traced the cause of this ‘gay-wave’ to highly-compressed currents of Pour Homme air, a mixture of airborne particles of sandalwood, lavender, and bergamot which closely resembles the Dolce & Gabbana fragrance of the same name,” explained Harrison. “Up until this summer, this current affected strictly coastal metropolises such as New York, San Francisco, West Hollywood in Los Angeles, and Hillcrest in San Diego; but starting in early June, we started seeing gay currents move up into Texas from the Gulf Stream and into the Northern United States via, I dunno, Newfoundland or something.”
The Midwest, as always, remains unaffected.
Mr. Avery Whipshire, one of the OFCM’s weather experts involved with the study, wrote a dissenting opinion, putting the blame for the gay front on global warming; but, according to Harrison, “that sonofabitch blames global warming for everything he doesn’t like. He blamed global warming for the California recall. He blamed global warming for Gigli.”
Harrison enumerated the many known effects of the gay-wave, including a bath-house level humidity, a warm lower front, and record increases of awareness, pride, tolerance, and dignity, followed shortly thereafter by cold, ignorant, and hostile currents of hot air.
“People sensitive to queer weather may also experience sudden and confusing feelings that they’ve never before known,” added the Deputy FCM. “A casual glance, a lingering handshake, or a powerful musk of raw maleness surrounding someone could all set off exciting and turbulent passions repressed by years and years of hiding and self-denial. These feelings could explode into a wild urge to engage in breathless hedonism with a member of the same sex!” Mr. Harrison then excused himself to go to the bathroom.
The Center for Disease Control plans to coordinate with the OFCM on a study of possible health concerns stemming from the increasingly gay atmosphere, focusing on the alarming “gay-stroke” phenomenon. Gay-stroke victims, all apparently healthy, good-looking and financially sound single men between the ages of sixteen and thirty-eight, are without warning besieged by symptoms such as increased frequency of hand-gesturing, high-pitched excitable voices, a recurring lisp, sharp wit, and a strong aversion to earth tones, sleeves, and sensibly-priced footwear.
As of the end of August, the summer’s gay-wave has led to only one fatality—that of the late South Carolina senator Strom Thurmond, who, after learning that gays were allowed to have sex and minorities allowed to attend college, fell dead at 100 years of age.
The OFCM encourages people living in gay weather “sink areas” to spend most of their days resting indoors, avoid beaches and public showers, and stock up on bottled water, lube, and whimsically escapist designer drugs.