Man Reunited with Lost Foreskin After 25 Years

A joyful Johnson clutches his much-beloved and long-missed band of loose penile flesh. - photo by Andrew Collins

Abe Epperson

Tuscon resident Clive Johnson, 26, seems like a normal man: he pays his bills, bowls in a Saturday Bowling League, and like 70% of the males in America, is circumcised. But today he has a new lease on life after being reunited with his foreskin which was torn away from him shortly after his birth 25 years ago.

According to Johnson, it happened “early in the morning. I was eating my breakfast and I heard the doorbell ring.” A surprised Johnson found none other than his 25-year-old foreskin lying on his welcome mat “like a big birthday pie.” Marshall Martinez, Johnson’s milkman, reported, “I arrived around 8 that morning, and Johnson and his foreskin were playing Trivial Pursuit at the kitchen table. I’ve known Clive for years, but I have never seen him this happy.”

Circumcised as an infant, Johnson could barely remember what his foreskin even looked like. Dr. Denise Steinbeck, Johnson’s physician, said tearfully, “their bond transcends anything I have ever seen,” with a tear falling down her face.

In his youth, Johnson’s parents, Bev and Harry Johnson, found in their son a bitter and angry boy who “never played with other children.” Johnson’s mother explained, “I would watch him through his window. He would often sit in his room when he was, oh, seven or eight and just stare at his penis longingly. He never seemed happy or whole.”

According to Johnson, the foreskin escaped from Great Charity Hospital in Phoenix, AZ immediately after his circumcision. From there, the foreskin hitched a ride to the Texas border, where it was abducted in 1978 by a nine year-old boy, Charlie Anderson, now 35, who named the foreskin “Flappy” and kept it as a pet for 12 years. “It’s like my world has collapsed. No longer will I have a Monopoly opponent, shower buddy, or partner in Laser Tag,” Anderson lamented before offering a 25 dollar reward for Flappy’s return. Johnson retorted, “Two words: slave labor. From what my foreskin has told me, you made him do your dishes and polish your shoes. No wonder he wanted to escape.”

In 1990, the foreskin fled once again and “hopped” to California. Once the foreskin arrived in 1995, it made his way to the top of the movie business doing stunt work in the highly acclaimed “Thumb Wars” movies. In 2000, the lonely and tired foreskin started its search for Johnson, placing classified advertisements in Arizona newspapers. By finding its information from bars and clubs in the local Phoenix area, the foreskin finally found out that the Johnsons had moved to a nearby suburb. Johnson’s foreskin commented tearfully, “Then I found the house. I was tired and hot. I could smell Clive from a mile away. I couldn’t wait: I had finally found the light at the end of the tunnel.” Johnson continued, stating that “I knew it was him when I saw him lying there. I could tell by his smile and the foreskin noises he was making.”

Since their reunification, both have worked vigorously against the sundering of foreskin and the crippling of penises that circumcision perpetuates. “Every 17 seconds, a young boy or man is mutilated as a result of circumcision. Every 17 seconds a boy screams out in agony for the lost soul of his severed foreskin. This demonic activity must be stopped,” Johnson argues.

When they’re not lobbying Congress or filming public service announcements for network television, the pair are cohabiting in Johnson’s duplex in Tuscon. “Despite our busy schedule, we still find time to play Trivial Pursuit,” the foreskin giggled. Johnson closed the interview with the comment, “I am whole again. My foreskin is here to stay.”