Man Ghost Rides the Whip, Creates Rift in Space Time Continuum
Local resident Joe Pilgrim travels back in time to fulfill his dream of ghost riding a horse-drawn carriage. - photo by Joe Kelly
John D. Miller
A young man heavily under the influence of the Hip and/or the Hop genre of music and culture succumbed to a dimension-breaching vortex of his own creation at approximately 2:47p.m. last Thursday on Voigt Drive in front of Scripps Memorial Hospital. When police arrived to question the subject’s motives and identity, they were not able to locate any physical being that stemmed from our universe. However, physicists at UCSD maintain that no energy was created or destroyed.
Campus police were apparently embarrassed when they realized that the Jaws of Life they brought to the scene could not be used on a time warp. “I just like using heavy machinery whenever I get a chance, and I’m gonna be honest, when it comes I’m gonna take it. That, however, was probably not one of those occasions, considering most of that stuff got sucked away to some place I can’t even imagine,” said officer Baton Rouge.
However, Rouge reported that writing tickets on Sun God for open containers of alcohol has given him sufficient job satisfaction as of late.
One bystander, a 7th grade Preuss student engaged in a mile run for PE class at the time, Kevin “the Uber Filthy” Sanchez, reported to officials that the victim vociferously claimed it was the only way he could get “big shit poppin,’ little shit stoppin.’” Immediately thereafter, the victim and the car he was surfing were absorbed by a quivering mass of “space-time sauce” hovering 15 feet above the ground. Sanchez also reported that the vortex fleeced him of his ten gold watches and pubic hair.
In an effort to explain the phenomenon, experts have said that the myriad rap culture homages, so influential individually, acted in rapid succession and were powerful enough to damage and ultimately tear into the fifth and possibly as far as the 11teenth dimension, which is yet to be discovered - the number, that is, not the dimension.
Sacramento State University Professor of Cultural Anthropology David Ling, speaking in front of an audience of prominent academics, said, “We as a society are actually the ones giving these cultural tokens power. Almost any invented pop culture phrase and mannerism has been able to get many a black folk a great deal of ‘ass and scrilla.’”
In light of Thursday’s incident, this power is evidently more tangible than previously suspected. Former Vice President Al Gore has appointed himself chair of a self-appointed committee dedicated to raising awareness about maintaining balance in the space time continuum, an issue thought to be tied to global warming.
Having little personal experience in space, time travel, or rap, Gore has sought some of the foremost experts in the fields, including Fred Ackerman. Ackerman, who has been “some guy from Nor-Cal,” for over 20 years, informed the committee of how much worse the situation actually could have gotten. “The hyphy movement is a terrible plight on our youth. He could have pierced more than the walls of the universe. He could have been hurt.”
He added, “Finally, my area of expertise on pointless, backwards youth culture is good for something. I’m employed again. Yay!”
To make sure these ominous warnings do not go unheeded, Gore plans to tour the country to speak at schools and other scientific institutions in his, “This Is Why I’m Hot” campaign.
