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Volume XIII Issue VI May 9, 2007 Some Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Issue.
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"When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross." — Sun God, God of Gettin' Crunk
UC SAN DIEGO
The Battle of the Century Begins After mating, the female praying mantis is known to decapitate its partner
Gravity Reverses During Soccer Match "I'll headbutt you!" screams Javier Escobar to his worthy adversary.

Dog Sleep Clinic Causes Mass Euthanasia Due to Unclear Euphemism Use

“He doesn’t bark like he used to,” says little Jimmy, “but he can sure still cuddle!” “He doesn’t bark like he used to,” says little Jimmy, “but he can sure still cuddle!” - photo by Michael Swaim
Mohammed Suhail
Asst. Content Editor

Scripps Dog Sleep Clinic has been the target of a massive class-action lawsuit after they unwittingly euthanized over 5,000 dogs due to a misunderstanding between laboratory technicians and researchers in which technicians were supposed to induce sleep in the dogs, but instead ended up euthanizing them.

“They asked us to put them to sleep,” said lab technician John Meter. “I guess it was just a big misunderstanding.”

“We should have seen it coming,” said one researcher who wished to remain unnamed. “All of our data was the same for the past few years, even in the control groups. Their heart rates were very low and it seems they went into a permanent sleeping state. We tried using everything to wake them up, even making them listen to Andrew WK. Nothing worked.”

“I guess they were just dead.” He continued, “That’s probably why they started to decompose…But, as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.”

“I think we’re going to have to change our newly adopted slogan, ‘Sleep is forever,’ now,” he added. “Goddamnit, it took me forever to get buttons with a blinking light on them.”

Benjamin Aaron, spokesperson for the Center for Prevention of Euphemism and Idiom Usage issued a statement yesterday in which he said that the CPEIU had seen this coming.

“We have been, for years, aware of this problem in the English language. It seems idioms are all anyone ever uses anymore. Nobody wants to tell you the truth for fear of being thought of as politically incorrect.”

Another Scripps lab was closed down under similar circumstances for almost a week after a child’s fecal matter was found in a room in which medicinal marijuana was grown. After an official investigation, police concluded that the child had misunderstood the label on the room door as “Potty Room.”

After the contamination, patients complained that their marijuana smelled of spoiled milk and peanut butter, but most also said that it was definitely “the shit.”

“If the child had been told to refer to the bathroom as ‘the shitter’ instead of ‘the potty room,’ this never would have happened,” said Aaron.

PETA, the leader of the class action lawsuit, says that this isn’t the first time this has happened; dog clinics have “mistakenly” put dogs to sleep all the time.

“It happened to me, personally,” Jan Rivers, spokesperson for PETA, said yesterday. “When I was twelve, my parents said that my dog went to the dog farm. But later, when I found out the truth, I was outraged. Some dog clinic had a communication error and put my dog to sleep.”

She added, “My parents didn’t have the heart to tell me, I guess.”

NEWS
IN BRIEF

2008 To Tie Record for the Most Consecutive Days

Experts predict the year 2008 will tie for the record for 366 consecutive days in a row. The last time 366 days appeared in a single year was in 2004.

Meteorologist George Anderson explained, “This year has a strange event. An extra day just appeared at the end of February for no apparent reason. ”

According to archeological records, an additional day has appeared every four years ever since the beginning of the universe in 4004 BC.

This makes the year 2008 the 1503rd year to tie for most consecutive days in a row.

Top Ten

Ways They Cram All That Graham

  1. The Regmind P. Hodgepodge’s Internal Crambustion Engine
  2. Painfully, and with religious zeal
  3. If a graham tram leaves New York traveling west at 60 miles an hour, and another graham tram leaves Seattle traveling east at 70 miles an hour, at approximately 7:15 in Akron, Ohio, graham will be crammed.
  4. From behind
  5. By a highly rationalized industrial process, narrated by Marc Summer
  6. Staying up all night studying graham
  7. What, is that some sort of euphemism? No, YOU'RE gay.
  8. Exactly how much graham could a graham crammer cram if a graham crammer could cram graham?
  9. Centrifugation at 70k rpm for 60 minutes
  10. You know how they crushed the Terminator? Like that, but with graham, instead of a time-traveling robot. Also, there was no arm left over. Only crammed graham.