New York City Cracks Down on Jaywalking, Millions Trapped in Homes
New New New York fires guided missiles at New New York to destroy its strategic bridge and stop the opening of the Lion King. - photo by Michael Swaim
Michael Swaim
A recent crackdown on jaywalking by the New York Police Department has reportedly led to the formation of thousands of independent republics, each occupying a single block. These republics have been dubbed “city blocks” due to their functional similarity to the city-states of early Renaissance Italy.
According to Police Chief and Grand Protectorate of Peckland, Ronald Peck, the trouble may have begun due to overzealous law enforcement. “Jaywalking has always been a big problem for the city, so the mayor and I thought a zero tolerance policy would be appropriate for managing it.”
Peck’s Police Death Squads did curb jaywalking in the city, but the crosswalks clogged with corpses led to more trouble than the department had bargained for, according to Brooklyn butcher and Royal Historian of New Camelot, Jerry Hirsch. “Cars couldn’t drive, people couldn’t cross the street, and eventually everyone just decided it was easier to form a self-sufficient empire complete with a new governing body and secede from the union.”
He added, “New Yorkers are very practical.”
While this practicality has reportedly led several city blocks to plunge into squalor and starvation, it has also had its benefits, says Peck. “Yes, in some cases like West Georgetown and Old Shitburg everyone starved to death, but that was mainly due to a weak governing council or the block not having a Chinese restaurant in its territory.”
“But to be fair,” continued Peck, “other blocks, like Peckland, have seen great strides made in quality of life and scientific discovery. By the end of this year,” he beamed, feet resting atop a human ottoman, “we hope to have a skybridge built to our resource-rich neighboring block, The United Buildings of Rockerfeller Square.”
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg expressed concern over the developing situation from his palace high atop the Empire State Building. He has said that he sees Chinatown’s burgeoning communist zones as a threat to the surrounding territories, and their refusal to pay tribute to his own block, dubbed New New York, marks them as dangerous political liabilities.
“Not only that,” continued Bloomberg, “but Little North Korea’s started underground nuclear testing, and that can’t be good for our water supply.”
Park Hyun, Glorious and Blessed Leader of New Korea, claims that his city block has the right to defend itself from American aggression, but has denied that they are converting one of the large office buildings on their block into a missile silo.
The jaywalking ban has wreaked havoc on families as well, many of whom now find themselves citizens of different countries.
Said one serf of Mayor Bloomberg, “I used to be a broker on Wall Street. Now just because I like eating lunch at the deli on the corner, I’m stuck on this block with no way to reach my family or Tivo.” The serf then listed many of the shows he was likely missing, among them NBC’s The Office and the CW’s America’s Next Top Model.
“Oh, also,” he added, “I’m a slave.” He then received forty lashes for insubordination, much to the horror of his family, who wept and waved to him from the window of their apartment across the street.