RIAA Sues Toy-Sharing Ring, Daycares
“It clearly states on page 347 Section C that the square block can only be inserted in the square hole,” says an RIAA lawyer. - photo by Tim Etler
Mohammed Suhail and Armon Ketabian
In an unexpected move last Wednesday, the RIAA filed suit with approximately 200 persons it alleged “shared, with full knowledge of the law, their toys with other children in an egregious copyright infringement scandal on a sandbox scale.”
The lawsuit claimed damages from all the children, asking the court to grant them their “lunch monies for at least 3 months.”
The lawsuit also targeted a daycare, which they alleged “preached about the so-called ‘altruism’ inherent in sharing and facilitated the illegal peer to tiny peer activity.”
The lawsuit continued, “Teaching children how to steal and abuse copyrights is not the way to a better America.”
“Our goal in this lawsuit,” said RIAA President Cary Sherman, “isn’t to win ‘popular opinion,’ it’s to scare the children so they stop sharing their toys, and to be sympathetic towards the large corporations that are suing the shit out of the kids.”
Outrage has come from many communities, prompting a response from President Bush on Friday, where he condemned the lawsuit, and said that he would “cut all foreign aid to the country that calls itself ‘RIAA.’” He went on to say that the government had “convincing evidence that the RIAA has put plans into place to acquire weapons of mass destruction.”
Two hours after this statement, he issued another statement in which he told the American public that he was “just kidding,” and that he “knew all along it was the Recording Industry Association of America.”
It continued, “Seriously, I was just messing with you guys to see if anyone noticed. I spoke to some of my friends and I’m pretty sure I’m okay with the suit now. I mean, they seem like really nice guys. They gave me this iPod Nano, and it’s pink! Isn’t it cute?”
Many children have been sent cease-and-desist notices in the mail, worded in a manner an RIAA spokesperson said “would be easy for them to understand.”
Several parents are outraged at the letters. “They were written in glitter crayon and had curse words on them,” said one parent. Other reports say that the letters refer to the children as “doody-heads,” “butt-faces,” and some even went so far as to insinuate that the RIAA’s father “could totally beat up your dad.”
Toy makers have spoken up about the recent debacle. “The toy industry is a tough one to be in,” commented one artist. “The fact of the matter is, I work hard to create my toys, and I don’t think people should be stealing my hard work. Making toys isn’t a game.”
He later admitted that his toy ideas are based off of the shape of his excrement. “If I don’t want to share the way gravity chooses to mold my feces, I don’t have to. People should pay to see what stems from my wondrous bowels.”
Some toy makers, however, support sharing toys. “Toy sharing has helped me become more well known,” remarked one toy maker. “If kids didn’t share my toys, they wouldn’t annoy their parents to buy my toy, later on. Plus, it’s just a toy, its not like they’re sharing something tangible, like music.”