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Volume XIII Issue VI May 9, 2007 Some Animals Were Harmed in the Making of This Issue.
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"When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross." — Sun God, God of Gettin' Crunk
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Prisoners Denied Food Until Hunger Strike Ends

Prisoner Jamal al-Afghan prays for release from the visions of sugar plums that dance in his head, or on his bed. Prisoner Jamal al-Afghan prays for release from the visions of sugar plums that dance in his head, or on his bed. - photo by Mohammed Suhail
Kate Lee
Staff Writer

US officials running the detention center at Guantanamo Bay are implementing their plan to counteract the hunger strike started by prisoners incarcerated there. Until the prisoners break their fast, they will be denied food from the prison.

“It took us a while to come up with this,” said an unnamed official. “It’s so hard now because we can’t actually torture them.”

Officials considered a wide range of options which would make the prisoners feel uncomfortable, but the guards were unable to agree on one. “Rick bought that High School Musical Soundtrack to play in there, but I said fuck that music, I’m not gay,” said one guard.

While officials debated options that would fall outside the definition of torture, a public interest group, Prisoners Now, voiced outrage that the prison was force-feeding the prisoners.

“The prisoners are strapped down, being treated more like dogs than humans. They are then force-fed, an act which denies them their basic human rights of choice,” said the organization’s official statement.

An unnamed official at the detention center said, “So we figured, fuck that, two can play that game. We decided to feed them a piece of their own medicine…or you know, not feed them … a piece of their own medicine!”

The restraints and the feeding tubes were removed, and subsequently no solid food was offered to the prisoners. The official continued, “You know, when you make a meal and someone doesn’t eat it, you don’t feel all that appreciated, and when you don’t feel so appreciated you don’t want to cook for that person again, or so I hear.”

The decision has produced mixed feelings among different ideological groups. Susan Marshall, a representative of Prisoners Now, removed the statement from their website and offered an apology to the US government.

“I guess, technically, you did what we wanted,” the website now says.

The decision sparked further controversy when an unnamed prisoner was the first to die of starvation. Prisoners’ rights groups that have previously spoken out against this kind of treatment have voiced hesitant support of this action.

Said Mark Frampton, civil rights activist, “I want the prisoners to get what they want. If they can’t get a trial, I guess the next best thing is for them to be able to starve themselves to death so they can maybe get one. I mean, it’s their right.”

A small number of moderate Democrats have voiced their opposition to this policy. Sandy Denman, a stay-home wife and mother, said, “It seems like death is worse than whatever civil rights we are holding back from them. I mean, am I crazy? I don’t know … maybe I am more conservative than I think.”

But conservative public figures are joining the liberal activists and lending their support. Senator John McCain, a former prisoner of war who has been openly outspoken against torture, was surprisingly supportive of the policy.

“I know what it is like to be a prisoner,” said the senator. “Sometimes I wished they had let me kill myself. I guess allowing our prisoners to do so is kind of like paying it forward.”

Given the amount of support from both inside and outside the government, officials are optimistic that their policy will be effective. Said one official, “We’re pretty sure they’ll break first.”

Asked how this standstill will be resolved, the official said that prison guards are watchful of the prisoners and are consistently interacting with them so as to avoid any miscommunication or missed opportunity to bring them back to health.

“Plus,” the official added, “we have them running like five miles a day and doing weight work. You know, to keep them strong.”

NEWS
IN BRIEF

2008 To Tie Record for the Most Consecutive Days

Experts predict the year 2008 will tie for the record for 366 consecutive days in a row. The last time 366 days appeared in a single year was in 2004.

Meteorologist George Anderson explained, “This year has a strange event. An extra day just appeared at the end of February for no apparent reason. ”

According to archeological records, an additional day has appeared every four years ever since the beginning of the universe in 4004 BC.

This makes the year 2008 the 1503rd year to tie for most consecutive days in a row.

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