North Korea Condemns Sun God, Threat Quickly Withdrawn
In an act of defiance after provoking the statue, Kim Jong-il tells Sun God to “talk to the hand.” - photo by Nicole Clifford
Nicole Clifford
Last week, the Associated Students Council of UC San Diego received a letter from North Korean leader Kim Jong-il that accused the Sun God Festival of promoting animosity towards the communist government. Kim stated that violent measures would have to be taken unless the event was cancelled.
A.S. President Harry Khanna was reportedly visibly shocked and upset by the strange turn of events. Khanna’s bloodshot eyes, restlessness, and sudden outbursts of “Stop, drop, and roll! It’s KJI’s nuclear bomb!” have raised much cause for concern.
When questioned about the situation, Khanna responded, “To be honest, I never expected to receive any more terrorist threats during my term. I thought the one we received last year from the emo kids about My Chemical Romance was going to be the last one.”
Yet Khanna remains confident of the school’s safety. “But really, who’s going to take Kim seriously? What is he going to do—aim and fire nuclear weapons straight at the school? It’s preposterous! That could never happen in real life.”
The reasons for Kim’s condemnation of Sun God became clear when he claimed, “My only daughter goes to this school and I hate her, so she is not allowed to have fun. If she’s having fun, that makes me mad, and that makes you the enemy.”
Other reasons included: “I’m tired of the horrible local bands you have as openers,” “How else am I going to get rid of my nuclear weapons?” and, “I have to wash my hair that day; couldn’t you have waited until Saturday?”
When questioned about his daughter, Kim stated, “She is a thoughtless, evil little pig. When I get down to La Jolla I’m going to straighten her ass out. She has insulted me for the last time. She always gets to have fun, while I’m out here busting my butt to run a country and starve my people. It’s not fair.”
When probed about her apparently difficult relationship with her father, Clara Kim responded, “He’s just jealous of me because I got to see Phantom Planet a couple of years ago. His favorite show is The OC. Ever since its cancellation he’s been locking himself in his room for hours at a time and blasting AFI constantly.”
She added, “We also found some razor blades in the trashcan along with a piece of paper filled with Dashboard Confessional lyrics. I think one of my moms is probably going to have an intervention, or whatever.”
Later, at an international summit with other communist countries, Kim reiterated his threat against UCSD and the reasons for his suspicions.
“We need to stop this orgy of capitalism right here, right now,” Kim declared. “This festival obviously promotes free market competition among alcohol companies, something we strive to abolish. The booze needs to go to us, not stupid college kids.”
However, in a sudden turn of events, the tone of the summit changed from sinister to excited. “Wait, did you say My Chemical Romance is playing? I absolutely adore Gerard Way—what a hottie!” Kim squealed. He reportedly giggled and blushed after making the previous statement.
Other countries have refused to acknowledge Kim’s statement, declaring that the establishment of Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz as the communist countries’ “official boy toy” has been in place since 2002.