Al Gore Kills Seven, Blames CO2 Emissions
Al Gore demonstrates the harmful effects of carbon emissions by killing this small, adorable puppy with a canister of CO2. - photo by Anastasia Bendebury
Thomas Howard
Last Thursday, former vice-president Al Gore was cleared of all charges in the brutal murder of seven people who died of a buildup of carbon dioxide emissions in the atmosphere. This follows a trend of environmental disasters linked to global climate change.
Upon exiting the court room, Gore commented, “This is an important day for the environment. The dangers of global warming have been recognized for what they are.”
The former vice-president added, “I can’t believe greenhouse gas has grown so smug that it attacks people in broad daylight in an attempt to discredit me and my work against it.”
The seven individuals were bludgeoned to death in mid-day in front of hundreds of witnesses by a man whom witnesses say looked, sounded and dressed exactly like Gore. The suspect shouted, “Global warming is doing this to you!” When the police arrived on the scene several minutes later, the suspect was found to be missing.
The court declared that this incident was a mass hallucination caused by inhalation of increasingly dangerous amounts of carbon emissions in the atmosphere. The similarities in dress and manner to Gore were found to be “a coincidence and nothing more.”
Experts have expressed astonishment at how a non-sentient gas could do such a thing.
Scientist Franz Chardine responded, “I can’t believe that all of physics and chemistry are wrong. I know that there is extensive evidence backing these theories, but Al Gore said they were wrong.”
Chardine added, “I mean, he’s got a documentary and an Oscar. I can’t argue with that, even using my several doctorates and years of academic expertise.”
The effects of mass hallucination are going to be the subject of Gore’s next documentary: An Even More Inconvenient Truth: Al Gore Didn’t Do It.
This follows an increasing trend of global catastrophes that experts believe to be the result of climate change. A recent car accident that resulted in a six car pile up and four dead was found to not be caused by a drunk driver running a red light, but by the presence of carbon emissions instead.
Chardine explained, “The people may have been killed in a car accident, but ultimately, global warming would have killed them later. Sure, it may be hundreds of years earlier, but CO2 is still ultimately responsible.”
This is the second time Gore has been acquitted over criminal charges that were later linked to global warming. Last year, Gore was accused of shoplifting at a convenience store, but a court later determined that pockets of greenhouse gas were actually lifting items off the self and drifting them out of the store.