Man Allegedly Kills Wife, Allegedly Goes to Jail
Allegedy this man was allegedly detained in an allegedly local prison, allegedy proving it by holding two forms of ID. Allegedly. - photo by Tim Etler
Mohammed Suhail
After a woman was allegedly killed last year by her alleged husband in a brutal slaying that some have allegedly called “the alleged killing of the century,” a series of chain reactions caused disaster yesterday when a press conference led to the death of seven people.
John McAdams, a New Jersey resident, was allegedly put into jail where he allegedly has been without a lawyer for the past 11 months. Prison Warden Isaiah Jamison held a press conference yesterday.
“These allegations are unfounded,” said Jamison. “You can allege all you want, but that doesn’t make any of this true. The press has alleged for eight months that the alleged killer John McAdams of his allegedly dead, alleged wife has been held here. Unless I am mistaken, everyone is innocent until proven guilty—and thus, until anyone can actually prove that we have the alleged killer here, your allegations are nothing but allegations.”
When asked to comment about the recording released last week in which Jamison told a friend over the phone that he indeed had taken McAdams into his jail 11 months ago, and had been giving him personal beatings every week, Jamison nullified the entire proceeding.
“This alleged press conference is not even happening until it is confirmed. I refuse to answer any more questions until we can legally define this as a press conference, and we can legally define what you allege the word “is” actually is. Until then, every word I say is an allegation. Even the word allegation is allegedly an allegation. Allegedly.”
Philosophy and grammar experts were called onto the scene 15 minutes later by a bystander who noticed something odd was going on, only to find a mass of people lying on the floor, spasming from what seemed to be the world’s first mass stroke.
“Half of the people we found were paralyzed,” said EMT Tony Alberto, “The other half were undergoing seizures caused by what seemed to be a spewing of unintelligible bullshit based on circular logic that caused the bonds holding atoms in brain cells together to literally melt upon themselves, opening a chasm of philosophical fission in the brain.”
He added, “We’re still not sure what allegedly happened, though, because this can also occur if you drink an ICEE really fast.”
Sources close to Jamison said that he had “pictures of himself smiling and giving a thumb’s up sign to the camera, as a naked McAdams sat atop a pyramid of naked men.” Other sources stipulated that Jamison had told an unnamed mistress that he “liked to spank McAdams real hard” in an alleged intimate moment.
McAdams’ attorney Jerry Brunstein said yesterday that he felt for all the families close to those who had died in the press conference debacle.
“Alleged press conference debacle, I’m sorry,” he corrected himself. “But seriously, I have a picture of Jamison in a jail cell with McAdams is holding a sign that says ‘I am in Isaiah Jamison’s jail and I’m his bitch,’ and Jamison holding up two forms of government issued ID’s with a recent copy of the New York Times visible.”
“I don’t know how they can say that it’s not a fact that McAdams is in jail,” he added, “in fact, I just came out of a meeting with him through glass…well, it could have been plastic, I guess. I suppose I saw him through the alleged glass. But he’s definitely there. Seriously.”