UCSD Issued Cease and Desist from La Jolla, Campus to Close Doors
A very bitter diety gives students some of the best news of their wasted young lives. - photo by Tim Etler
Dan Zembrosky
The University of California, San Diego has, it seems, entered its final quarter of instruction and research. La Jolla and San Diego County officials served campus administrators papers last Thursday which effectively order the complete shut down of the school by the beginning of summer. The joint lawsuit against UCSD cites numerous “perils” caused by the university, including “unacceptable vehicular and foot traffic, noise pollution, painfully lackluster sports games, unattractive engineering students and the constant and intense smell of Tag body spray present at all Greek events.”
The news of the injunction against campus has been lauded by local community leaders as an important step towards ensuring that people stop parking on La Jolla Farms and taking up valuable garbage can real estate. Others support it as a significant gain in the effort to gut La Jolla of anything that may appeal to anyone under the age of 40 or to anyone of “ethnic” descent.
Other groups hailing the lawsuit as a positive step include The RIAA, MPAA and G.U.I.L.E., an international arms syndicate dedicated to the destruction of anything Bobcat Dynes has a vested interest in. G.U.I.L.E is also a member of the RIAA.
The city’s move to end the university’s existence snowballed following a lawsuit to halt construction of a Hillel Center on campus, claiming the center would increase foot traffic around campus from “several people a day to upwards of tens of tens of people a day.” Elaine Spingarden commented on the campus religious center’s possible impact on the community. “La Jolla is a suburban area, and as such people shouldn’t walk anywhere. They should drive, preferably in lumbering vehicles that can’t fit into any of the parking lots in the area, especially the one in La Jolla Village Square.”
Added Spingarden, “We also don’t want to encourage the Jews. Give them an inch and they’ll take a mile, just look at the West Bank.”
The success of community members in halting the Religious Center’s construction incited an even greater offensive against the campus. Limited attacks on campus concerts and commuters were considered, but a consensus was eventually reached that cooperation with the campus, more efficient traffic sensors and the exercise of forward- thinking city planning would be ineffective, and that the only way to cure the community’s ills is to eliminate the campus.
Plans for use of the UCSD land includes the addition of nine more holes for the Torrey Pines Country Club, a Gelson’s Market and a remote parking lot for La Jolla Village Square.
“The University intends to fight this legal action,” Chancellor Marye Anne Fox assured a filled conference room. “I haven’t killed a man since I was a child,” began Fox, “but if the city keeps pushing, they’ll get the same thing that spurious mall Santa had coming.”
While experts question if Fox’s hands, now riddled with masturbation-induced carpal tunnel syndrome, are still capable of clawing through a man’s rib cage, they do believe she still constitutes “a serious threat.”
“The city council should pay heed,” noted Police Chief Gordon Datts. “Crossing Fox is a dangerous idea. She’s capable of mounting a massive political, financial, and homicidal campaign against anyone standing in her way. I for one, am out.” The clearly shaken officer then excused himself from the stage, and was later seen sobbing and vomiting into a urinal.
Student reactions have remained largely apathetic. Noted Revelle sophomore Melissa Shandling, “I was really excited about UCSD when I first got here, but now, meh. I think it’s a good opportunity to transfer somewhere really exciting, like UC Merced, or Davis.”