Born Again MacGyver Disproves Evolution Using Peanut Butter, a Baseball, a Rubber Band, and a Pocket Knife

Despite ample rainfall and prayer, Adam and Eve experience multiple crop failures due to infertile, leather-like subsoil. - photo by Tim Etler

Michael Swaim

Retired US Secret Agent Angus MacGyver disproved Darwin’s theory of natural selection this week using only items found in a pantry in which he had been accidentally trapped.

MacGyver had purportedly been making himself lunch at his home when the walk-in pantry door eased shut on its own and the latch engaged, trapping him inside. He proceeded to live in the closet for several months, using up all the food and making the space “ghastly with human excrement.”

MacGyver said he had hoped someone would find and release him, but in three months no one ever came. “As a secret agent,” he said, “I didn’t make many friends.” Starving and out of options, MacGyver, a renowned man of science, turned to God for salvation.

“I reasoned that to save myself, I would have to rely on a higher power,” said MacGyver. “I decided that if I could prove Creationism over Evolution, God would owe me, and forgive me my life of murder and atheism.”

The trapped agent attempted to accomplish this “blackmail of the Lord” with no more than a near-empty jar of Jif peanut butter, an old baseball, a single rubber band and a pocket knife.

“After I managed to create a jury-rigged trebuchet with the peanut butter cap and the rubber band, it was pretty simple,” said MacGyver. “In fact, it’s surprising no one’s ever thought of doing this before.”

The device, which uses the pocket knife as an agitator and the dried peanut butter coated around the baseball as a medium, perfectly mimicked the state of the Earth as it was some 5,000 years ago. By hurling projectiles found in the pantry at the globe using his trebuchet, MacGyver conclusively tested the theory of spontaneous life generation, the foundation of Darwinian thought.

“I was amazed when I realized I had disproved a doctrine hundreds of years old,” said MacGyver, “but I was even more surprised when a tiny Garden of Eden appeared on the baseball and a little Adam and Eve played out the Book of Genesis before my eyes.”

The tiny Adam and Eve, who have been housed in a case at the Vatican since MacGyver’s miraculous escape from his pantry, are said to have already gone through “the tiniest, most adorable little fall from grace you have ever seen” and are “currently somewhere in Exodus.”

A spokesman for the Vatican has assured the public that MacGyver has, in fact, proven Creationism and that furthermore, a council of cardinals has been convened to help decide whether or not to try and intervene when Tiny Jesus is inevitably crucified.

Until then, scientists from across the globe have been forced to admit defeat, participating in massive burnings of Darwin’s works and personally apologizing to Kirk Cameron.