Regional Manager’s Parking Space Vandalized, YouTube Privileges Revoked

Unfortunately, Richard Payne failed to realize his parking space had been moved two spaces to the right to make room for newly-promoted Dick Hertz. - photo by Michael Swaim

Brett Rader

Regional Manager Richard Payne pulled into his reserved parking spot last Monday and was shocked to find that the sign marking his space had been very immaturely vandalized. Payne found that his first name had been covered up and replaced with “Dick,” and some crudely drawn cartoons.

As a quick, bitter form of retaliation, Payne revoked his employees’ rights to view YouTube, the only form of escapism one has in an office setting. Access to the popular video-streaming website would be restricted until the perpetrator steps forward.

Employee George Peterson speculated it was “anger from hearing the same joke about his name over and over again” that caused Payne to enactsuch a harsh punishment.

Peterson added, “Or it could be from some unresolved issues back when he was teased in grade school. We had so much fun back then. Yeah, he was a dick then, too.”

The employees remained defiant and began searching for other ways to pass the time that didn’t involve watching movie trailers re-edited to look like Brokeback Mountain. Google Video was adopted for a short while once it was found to have nearly identical content as YouTube, but ultimately abandoned because Google Video “blows.”

The Accounting Department found some relief when Sudoku was discovered to be intellectually stimulating to mathematically oriented minds. Sudoku eventually proved to be too difficult to master as the concept of pencils and paper was found to take too long to produce entertainment.

The lack of YouTube in the office has caused complications with last week’s “Fun Friday” costume show. Several IT guys came in costumes inspired by Justin Timberlake’s “Dick in a Box” music video. Other employees who were unable to see the video in question without the aid of YouTube found the costumes offensive and complained. Two temporary suspensions were given out to the offending employees and appropriate punishments are being decided, pending on Payne’s reaction to the “Dick in a Box” video.

One of the offended workers commented, “Jeez, I feel sorry for those guys. Once Payne figures out that ‘Dick’ is in this video, he’s gonna murder those guys. He just hates the name ‘Dick’ with a passion.”

He added, “And I do mean murder. There was blood and guts everywhere after the last guy.”

The biggest story regarding the aftermath of the YouTube suspension involves Alann Michaels from Research and Development.

Controversy arose in the office when Michaels was discovered with a personal laptop that he had smuggled into the office with the ability to reach YouTube. Michaels attempted to profit on this by charging by the minute to allow fellow employees, “desperate for distraction from their meaningless jobs,” access to his laptop. This was found to be in direct violation of company policies that prohibit commercial competition with the company and Michaels was fired immediately.

As of now, no one has stepped forward admitting guilt in the vandalism.