Newly Hired South African Fulfills Racial Quota, Falls Short of Expectations

Fellow employees ponder as to why, unlike his brethren, Constantin rejects his native cuisine of fried chicken and malt liquor. - photo by Joe Kelly

Joseph Smith

African-American employee Jean Constantin, who was hired last month to fulfill a racial quota has reshaped all stereotypes about blacks and African-Americans.

“I had lots of stereotypes about black people that Jean just wiped clean,” said John Maebe, who sits in the cubicle across from Constantin. “First, I didn’t know that to be black you actually had to be black.”

To this, Constantin replied, “I am not black. I am South African, and my grandparents were French. I still don’t know why everyone keeps asking me if I have any cocaine for sale.”

The problems first began when Constantin was hired. The party that was thrown to welcome him was dubbed a “complete failure” by Maebe. “We bought watermelons, malt liquor and buckets of fried chicken.”

“He didn’t like any of it.” Maebe continued. “He just sat around, sipping tea and eyeing our womenfolk.”

The problems continued throughout the month, when the company basketball team complained that Constantin wasn’t the player they had dreamed of when they found out he was being hired directly out of South Africa.

“I thought this guy must be eight feet tall and have size 18 shoes,’” said team captain Turner Johnson. “So I convinced Bukowski to put him on the team.”

“I must say I was surprised that he was only 5’11, which is almost a midget for Africans. I was more surprised, however, too see that he didn’t have a distended stomach, and that he knew how to open a cash register, instead of just unplugging it and running.”

“He just, literally, fell short. The jersey I made for him comes down to his knees. His mangy, white, sub-par knees.”

Despite being the top salesman in the entire month of February, not much attention is paid to Constantin throughout the day. He spends much of his time sitting at his computer, typing and answering various phone calls. “I tried making him feel at home. I call him ‘brotha’ and I always try to get him to play craps with me on the bathroom floor. I guess they haven’t invented dice in Africa yet.”

CEO Eunice Bukowski said in an interview Friday, from behind a high-backed leather chair while listening to Mozart in her high-halled penthouse office on the 15th floor, that she had no concern for the situation.

“A typical day at our company consists of peons working endlessly at their given task, until they pass out from exhaustion. The basketball team doesn’t even cross my highly-paid mind. And furthermore, Constantin has shown me that he really is no different from the thousands of other interchangeable parts we have working here.”