New Company Outreach Program Reaches Out to Local Fraternity, Douchebags
Local fraternity pledges slowly realize that keg stands are only slightly “cooler” than drinking water normally. - photo by Joe Kelly
John D. Miller
Despite conventional wisdom and the strongest pleading from Corporate, a chapter of the Pi Kappa Beta fraternity is coming to our branch of the company. This follows last month’s vote on how to use our improvement money from the national office, in which the proposal to make the building more eco-friendly was unanimously voted down.
The fraternity vows to make business-wide improvements, even for unaffiliated employees. There will be workout machines in every cubicle and a juice bar with protein, creatine, and “miscellaneous anabolic” boosts, and also naptime.
Chest Rockwell, a PKB member from the UCSD chapter who is very close to the project, shared his vision. “I thought it’d be chill to have it like that Super Bowl commercial with T.O. where he’s lightin’ people up in the office like BAM!, but for real,” he said, shoving the interviewer.
Currently there is nothing in the company statutes that forbids use of violence of this type as a motivational tool. “We really just had no way to anticipate it,” says the firm’s lawyer Heinz Backworth. Many are skeptical this will do anything to bolster productivity, especially given the lack of an exclusion granted to pregnant employees.
CEO Eunice Bukowski, however, seems pleased that the frat brings a “go get’em attitude” to the work place. “This entirely makes up for when my firstborn son asked me to sign him up for ballet.” A rumor passed down from top executives includes talk of replacing the company mission statement with the PKB one, “With liberty and bitches for all.”
Those who oppose the company fraternity’s arrival question the group’s saliency in the workplace. Kim Driscol was cited in a staff meeting as saying, “Those douchebags are gonna be nothing more than a glorified union, except more pretentious, pushing a pay scale modification based on curling strength. Furthermore, CEOs and Secretary ‘Hoes parties just aren’t the same, since I am apparently a secretary ‘ho.”
Some not actually working at the company yet are against the change as well, feeling stymied by the extended company entrance procedure. Potential intern Reggie Marks complained, “I already had to research companies and go through interviews, now I have to worry about getting ‘black balled!’ What does that even mean? Sounds like sucking some more dick. Don’t get me wrong, I can handle it, that’s how I got where I am today, but I just thought I’d be able to put those years behind me, just like my mom did by erasing her whoring years with acid. Now all she has from it is some minor brain bleeding, genital warts that flare up around tax time, and intermittent visits from some guy named Roscoe the Space Pimp.”
Despite some staunch resistance, the frat’s arrival seems likely to proceed without delay. The transformation to a full-fledged chapter could be complete by as soon as August. If so, we could all soon be walking around on casual Fridays wearing shirts with scantly modified beer slogans, high-fiving each other.
