Boss’ Team ‘Quenches’ Victory at Picnic Rally

CEO Eunice Bukowski ensures victory by drinking enough vodka to leave a normal-sized woman comatose. - photo by Joe Kelly

John D. Miller

CEO Eunice Bukowski has requested that all staff members be informed that anyone who wishes to contest the outcome of the “boat race” that took place during last weekend’s team-building barbeque should expect to hear from our efficiency expert, Sameeran Kunche. Specifically, this is referring to the “chugging challenge” in which Bukowski, and she asked that I be specific here, “threw down a mad whomping on those candy-ass intern bitches,” narrowly edging out the opposing team’s anchor, Jeff Feldman.

In this year’s boat race, two teams of four each raced to drink a gallon container consisting of a few tablespoons of lemon juice and tap water. The rest of the container consisted of Albertson’s vodka and Country Time lemonade powder. From a productivity standpoint, this little concoction has helped the employees gel more than the ropes course, office birthday parties, and community outreach volunteer days combined. Unfortunately, to remain under policy, the current company health care plan allows for only one day of heavy binge drinking per year.

In the heat of the moment, there were a number of employees that claimed to have seen Bukowski spill her team’s drink, an act that would have disqualified her team, which definitely did not happen because then she would have lost. Bukowski is requiring that these employees have their eyes checked under the company health care plan to ensure that their faulty vision does not interfere with their work.

Coincidentally, the last heavy company downsizing phase in 2001 was preceded by a similar dispute over a friendly company competition in which many employees accused Bukowski of using excessive force in a touch football game. Bukowski was eventually exonerated after there appeared to be no more complaints. For this reason, accusations of this type are to be considered highly suspect and should be suppressed, especially by employees who really need the money.

Bukowski asked that the staff be reminded of the fact that she has never lost a boat race in the history of this corporation since she and the late Murray Rogers founded the company and that the staff not be shy about asking for autographs. Bukowski also thought the staff should take note of the time she, “had to drink a half-gallon [on her own] because those weiners from accounting were crying about throwing up.” Bukowski then returned to explaining the epic nature of the victory over the interns using almost the exact same words but with no less enthusiasm until our stenographer had to leave to catch the last bus home.