New Ergonomic Cubicle Design Turns Office Topsy-Turvy

"The blood rushing to my head helps me think," states Fort. - photo by Joe Kelly

Mohammed Suhail

The office was turned upside down last week when Human Resources decided to purchase ergonomic upside-down chairs which supposedly take pressure off the lower back and instead place it on the head and brain.

“We tried to do our best to control the fallout,” said the somewhat rotund HR representative Donald Fort from the third floor. “We even diligently went through the trouble of buying upside-down desks and magnetic cup holders. Unfortunately, we didn’t account for gravity, which was a minor mistake on our part. We forgot to mention it to our physics team, and they assumed we were working in a three dimensional frictionless model without gravity.”

“However, we are proud to say that our company has approximately 60,000 percent more leg room than it did previously,” he said with a nod of his head.

Many employees have been given leave without pay due to second degree burns from coffee that has neglected to stay in place when using magnetic cups. “We thought of lacing the coffee with magnetic elements, such as iron, but that proved to only cause minor symptoms such as diarrhea and death.”

Complaints have been filed in numerous floors, including the warehouse in the basement because of a small oil leak mishap which caused numerous employees to almost drown in the near-three inch puddle of oil.

“Do you know how hard it is to wear a skirt in this office now?” asked Amy Jameson from Accounting, attempting to keep her skirt up. “It’s hard.”

She added, “And I’m not just referring to wearing a skirt,” she said, glancing over at what appeared to be a roll of quarters in a male coworker’s pants.

Office production has seen a 50 percent decrease in the past week due to employees not being able to focus, mainly because of all the paper not staying in place.

“We remedied this problem as soon as we heard about it,” Fort continued. “We meticulously took all the post it notes and removed the sticky part from one side and added it to the other side instead, so it would stick upside-down.”

He then sheepishly added, “We didn’t think that one all the way through.”

“This new design is like a storm ravaging our poor little office. It’s clear CEO Eunice Bukowski doesn’t care about black people,” said manager Mark Able.

“She’s a gold diggah,” he then added, somewhat off-key.

HR has been scrambling to provide astronaut pens, helium paperweights and other out-of-the-box solutions to help resolve this problem.

“We asked the R&D department to make a reverse gravity stabilizer, which they finished yesterday. Unfortunately, it defeats the purpose of having an upside down chair,” continued Fort. “So, we just threw away the blueprints. What could we possibly do with a reverse gravity stabilizer?”

“Wait a minute…” he said a moment before hurrying off, muttering, “Oh, fuck me.”