Sadistic Middle Manager Requests 12-Page Company Newsletter
"Fuck you," curses Lisa Buchanan after staying awake for 46 hours in order to finish the paper. - photo by Ryan Kloos
Lisa Buchanan
On Feb. 5, Michael Ludlow, the overzealous manager of the San Diego branch, announced via interoffice memo that the March edition of the monthly company newsletter was to be 12 pages long and include “all news, important or unimportant, with appropriate graphical accompaniment.”
Sources inside the company say that Mr. Ludlow gave Lisa Buchanan, an assistant manager for over five years, the main responsibility for the production of this newsletter. When asked about the decision to put Ms. Buchanan in charge of the project, Mr. Ludlow stated that she was “obviously the most qualified person in the office because she spent three semesters as a journalism major before switching to business.”
He then added, “And I am a power-hungry jackass who likes to watch talented employees suffer.” This quote could not be verified by anyone in the office, but it is extremely likely that Mr. Ludlow whispered it under his breath as he exited the cubicle.
An internal report from a committee formed to investigate the use of company time estimated a waste of over 1200 man-hours of work while producing the paper. A second report from the same committee estimated that 200 man-hours were wasted compiling the initial report on waste.
The head of the committee John Stevens stated in an interview yesterday, “It’s a shame that this company would pay its employees to do such obviously useless work. I mean, next time they could at least outsource it to India.”
When asked to comment on the idea of allowing people in other countries to do company work, Mr. Ludlow explained, “I don’t believe that any of those towel-headed dot wearers could produce such fine work as my dutiful American-bred, gun-toting, Everybody Loves Raymond-watching employees.”
Mr. Ludlow then issued a prompt and full apology to Hardik Singh from the IT Department.
Rumors persist regarding the possible reasons Mr. Ludlow would require the production of this newsletter. An anonymous source reports that company executives are demanding higher worker productivity, but others think that it is an elaborate ploy to distract attention from his alleged sexual affair with his secretary, Henry Gibbons.
One employee speculated, “Actually, I heard that [Mr. Ludlow’s] boyfriend dumped him because his dick is too small and flaccid to penetrate anything but a My Size Barbie.” Although there is no empirical evidence to support this claim, many in the office believe it without question.
Despite complaints from many members of the staff about the extra work required to produce such a lengthy newsletter, Mr. Ludlow has once again requested a 12-page issue of the company newsletter for the month of April. Initial estimates report that this will interrupt an average of 86 games of computer solitaire per employee per day.
