Area Man Names Genitalia After Golden Girls
They say that the one who is able to stare into the eyes of Rose shall receive immortality. So far, all have failed. - photo by Joe Kelly
Michael Swaim
In an unanticipated move, area man Orville Tackaberry recently named his genitalia after characters from the popular sitcom The Golden Girls. Specifically, said Tackeberry, the shaft of the penis is Blanche, the head Rose, and the testicles Dorothy and Sophia. “Or just ‘Blanche and the girls’ for short,” he added, to the apparent revulsion of other passengers at the bus stop that morning.
Tackaberry claims he is following in a long tradition of genital-naming. “All my friends moniker their man-parts,” he proclaimed as the bus stop emptied of people. Tackaberry then proceeded to loudly recite some of the more common nicknames for male genitalia he had heard recently.
An elderly gentleman who was reportedly too doddering to leave with everyone else pointed out to Tackaberry that traditionally, the penis and testicles are given masculine or at least inhuman names, rather than the names of four septuagenarian comediennes.
Tackaberry responded by waggling his penis at the man and warning him “not to upset Rose; she’s a feisty old gal.” The elderly gentleman was then helped up by a passerby and led away from Tackaberry, reportedly cursing the cataract surgery that had restored his sight.
“It was like a revelation,” Tackaberry said to no one in particular, taking a vacated seat without bothering to tuck his genitals back into his pants. “All my life, my package has been anonymous. Now, all of a sudden, I feel like we can have a real, deep relationship.”
Tackaberry then paternally pet Blanche for ten minutes before chuckling and muttering, “All right, calm down, girls.”
Tackaberry claims the insight came to him while working at his job as a mail and package sorter at the local post office. “All day I slap names onto packages, so it was only a matter of time before I pulled down my pants, revealed my genitals to a line of people waiting to mail parcels, and declared the names of my own package by way of an adhesive sticker.”
Tackaberry then pointed out the sticker, which he said he has been “too frightened” to try remove. He said he is proud of his newfound identities, and plans to showcase his penis and testicles at local spots around town in a weekly “girls’ night out.”
In a related story, twelve people were killed when a bus driver, spotting Tackaberry, veered into oncoming traffic and triggered a massive pile-up. There would have been more casualties, police say, had Tackaberry, Dorothy and Sophia not dragged several people from the flaming wreckage.
Police refused to elaborate on this last point.