Warren Buffet Crafts 31 Billion Dollars Into World’s Largest Tax Shelter
This pool of money, when not crushing workers, provides Buffet with excellent defenses against dangerous airborne taxes. - photo by Dan Zembrosky
Michael Swaim & Dan Zembrosky
Warren Buffet, “the Oracle of Omaha,” announced last week that he is not, and is in no way related to, smooth Hawaiian singer/songwriter Jimmy buffet. “I’m simply not him, nor have I ever even met the man” he stated, visibly upset.
He also added that he plans to craft 31 billion dollars, or what he calls “a pittance,” into what will be the world’s largest tax shelter.
Buffet says he will begin construction of the shelter in the coming months, and hopes to be finished in time for April tax season. When completed, the shelter will take up several city blocks and be visible from space.
“No taxes are getting in here,” said Buffet, while soaking two-thousand dollar bills in a plaster of paris that he made primarily out of the ashes of any bills under $100 US that came into his possession.
The blueprints for the shelter include two sun rooms, an atrium, and a Scrooge McDuck-style pool of gold coins. Two workers were reportedly killed attempting to swim through the coins when a fifteen-foot wave overtook the deep end. Mr. Buffet remains optimistic, however, and insists that a safe pool can be created, “With the right mix of currency, we’re convinced it can be done.”
“Throw more war bonds in!” demanded a clearly agitated Buffet as paramedics fished out the bodies of the original pool workers.
When the shelter is complete, Buffet has plans to hold a ribbon cutting ceremony and christening gala. “I sure hope Bill can make it,” said Buffet, referring to Bill Gates, the second-richest man in the world and Buffet’s only invited guest. He and Gates will reportedly sit on big pillows, eat s’mores, throw Molotov cocktails made of their “older bottles of brandy” at artwork they have grown bored with, and tell scary stories about lost receipts and the flat tax.
After the shelter opens, many analysts expect to witness a giant leap in inflation, as 31 billion dollars is removed from circulation. “Normally a decrease in currency causes deflation,” noted Economist Eckard Weltrahm, “but this sum is so large that it is expected to bring the value of the dollar all the way around, rocketing it down through the lowest levels of worthlessness at breakneck speed and ending up greatly increasing its value for some reason we can’t yet understand.”
As the country undergoes severe depression, followed quickly by extreme inflation, Weltrahm warns investors to watch for people lining up to buy bread at the grocery store with wheelbarrows of money, only to be torn apart by savage looters when the value of their cash suddenly and dramatically increases.
“In short,” he said, “it’s a good time to buy.”
In light of Buffet’s own investing expertise, investment expert Ralph Reinhart predicts the mogul will “take advantage of the inflation, flip that property, and use the profits to purchase the Federal Reserve.”
Added Reinhart, “It’s a pretty good bank.”
When asked whether his brother Jimmy will play at the event, Buffet shook his head in angry confusion and loudly insisted that the press conference was over.