Emo Kids Depressed About Sun God Lineup
“Emo kids?” exclaims child actor Roberto Hernandez. “I thought you wanted Elmo Kids.” - photo by Randell Baltazar
Kevin Damp and Michael Swaim
In a move that has angered emo kids across campus, the UCSD administration has selected My Chemical Romance to headline the Sun God Festival. A spokesman for the group, Marshall sophomore Eric Steadman, proclaimed the decision at a recent A.S. meeting, stating, “Many people may be quick to think that this is a fortunate occurrence for the emo population at UCSD. I assure you that nothing is farther from the truth. We emo kids sustain ourselves on a regimen of sorrow, disappointment, and rejection. We can only find happiness or achieve an erection when wallowing in the depths of our faux-misery. By giving us something we want, you have made it impossible.”
Throughout the university’s campaign against students, it has consistently failed to bring true sadness to emo kids. It seemed that no matter how miserable they tried to make the undergraduate population, emo kids only found joy. Vice Chancellor Joe Watson commented, “Our fascist alcohol policy, our fragmented, lifeless campus, and our restriction of free speech only served as fodder for their whiny, shallow LiveJournal masturbation.”
Watson recounted other attempts at ruining emo kids’ good time, including a highly illegal operation that involved cutting them with razor blades. “Believe it or not,” said Watson, “that one actually caught on. They love it now.”
He continued, “And so, in a last-ditch attempt to destroy their happiness, we have finally given these masochists exactly what they want: a shitty emo band will headline Sun God.”
Noted sadist and President of the University of California, Robert Dynes, praised the plan the following day, stating, “The administration of UCSD is an inspiration to the rest of the UC system, nay… the world. In this single, genius masterstroke, they have managed to ruin the fun of not only the general undergraduate population, but those whiny little emo fuckers as well.”
Dynes admitted to an initial lack of backing for the plan among administration heads. Many, he said, simply couldn’t bear the thought of My Chemical Romance being within squalling distance of them. “But,” he continued, “following our many other unsuccessful attempts at pissing on the parades of the emo student demographic, we were forced to bring out the big guns.”
He then added, “And by big guns I mean a band whose front man looks like a gay Michael Smith in Jack White’s wardrobe and sounds like the pathetic, dying love-child of Tiny Tim and a stray cat.”
Dynes then excused himself, and proceeded to furiously pleasure himself with one hand while punching a UC undergraduate in the face with the other.