Sun God Cancelled

Leftover Funds Given to Chancellor Fox

The new Chancellor Fox statue (shown above) awaits the final touches of a solid gold crown, rainbow paint job and an eternal flame that that burns only student funds. - photo by Andrew Hallum and Danielle Linebacker

Ryan Kloos

Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joe Watson announced this past Friday that the annual Sun God Festival enjoyed by many students and often described as “Christmas in May, but with a lot more puking,” will be canceled due to “lack of interest on the part of the administration.”

Watson said about the cancellation in his statement, “We in the administrative offices just weren’t really into it this year, so we decided it would be better just to not hold it.” According to Watson, the final decision came from Chancellor Mary Anne Fox. She explained her position in a press release, saying, “My deal with Satan strictly prohibits any activity that could be considered fun by the student population.”

Following the precedent set last year, the UC Regents sought to reward the Chancellor’s poor job performance by giving her the funds normally spent on the festival. Robert Dynes, President of the University of California, said in a statement released Monday that “It was absolutely necessary to grant the excess funds to Fox, otherwise she might have stopped trying to damage student life with the ferociousness that we have come to expect. I mean, what else were we supposed to do, give it to the students?”

Dynes then added five minutes of continuous laughter.

Sources close to Fox say she has been in talks about spending the extra money on a concert of her own. One assistant, who preferred to remain nameless, said that Fox had pegged masculine rocker Melissa Ethridge to perform a private concert. It will be held at her university-sponsored house in La Jolla for her and her husband, newly tenured UCSD professor James Whitesell, in an effort to infuse new romance into their marriage.

The same assistant explained, “The Chancellor and her husband have been very distant since he discovered that Mary Anne is actually a raging lesbian.” She then added, “There’s nothing I love more than a romantic night listening to Melissa Ethridge while tenderly caressing the chancellor’s boyish hips.”

Many student organizations that use Sun God to setup information booths and recruit new members have expressed extreme discontent with the cancellation of the festival. One member of the Urban Studies and Planning Club said on the subject, “We feel that it is totally irresponsible of the Chancellor to cancel something that so many students love so much.”

Countering that argument was Steven Hyatt, a spokesperson from Darkstar, UCSD’s Science Fiction and Gaming Club. Hyatt was quoted as saying “Sun God? Is that a new character in the next Everquest expansion pack?” Hyatt then awkwardly ran away to “post in the forums.”

Overall, student reaction has been overwhelmingly negative. Some have started a movement to continue with the celebration regardless of whether there is a concert. Many students have already pledged to “get shit-fuck drunk anyways.”

In response to this grassroots effort to revive Sun God an administration official stated, “On Friday the university will grant the RSO’s more authority with which they can boost their power-hungry egos.” Such powers will reportedly include seeing through walls, the ability to initiate a wiretap without a warrant, and permission to shave mustaches with impunity.

When reached for comment, Chancellor Fox explained her decision. “I just couldn’t stand by while the campus actually became cool for a day.” She then orgasmed at the thought of destroying the hopes and dreams of so many students at once, spewing ash and a fog of pestilence from the graveyard that is her withered vagina.