Inter-Fraternity Council

Our photographer has no recollection of taking this photo, nor the whereabouts of his pants, but admits that upon regaining consciousness he felt “very much as if he had just traveled through time.” - photo by Mike Rossmassler

John Miller

Last Sunday, the Inter-Fraternity Council held an emergency meeting to voice disapproval of a “Pike-themed party” which had no ΠΚΑ members in attendance. The fraternity had originally sanctioned the event, believing it would promote a “strong feeling of brotherhood and a brawny sense of male camaraderie.” However, members later complained that the party was in bad taste, especially because the costumes failed to portray “sufficiently accurate muscle definition.”

Despite the fraternity’s complaints, those attending reportedly enjoyed the event. Many attended in full costume. The week prior, some stores reported unusually low inventories of Rainbow flip-flops and Unlocking Your Charisma and You: A Video Tutorial on Removing the Sleeves of a T-Shirt.

Other costumes, such as a tanning booth operator, a giant Rohypnol-Pez dispenser, and a UPS man with a “large package to deliver” were witnessed. Another partygoer was seen with a syringe hanging off one buttock.

Partygoer Evan Tong said, “I think the theme got all the girls down for a little no-strings-attached hanky panky. These chicks who came late were convinced my parents were rich. It was great, they just stared at me wide and glassy eyed only half listening to what I was saying!”

The ΠΚΑ fraternity has criticized the event, saying it promoted the stereotype that they were all from wealthy backgrounds. George Harpens, a member of fraternity stated, “Some members only have really small yachts.”

Added Harpens, “We also try to reach out to the less fortunate; we actively recruit members who drive Jettas made before ‘04.”

Chapter president, Bobby ‘Two-Freshmen-at-the-Same-Time’ Jones, insists that his brothers adhere to the principle of “SLAG.”

Explained Jones, “It’s an acronym, bitch. It stands for scholars, leaders, athletes, and gentlemen, and I was elected to ensure no slander goes unchallenged and no missed lifting hours go unfined.”

The incident places the ΠΚΑ organization’s reputation in jeopardy after years of maintaining a strong position at the core of the UCSD Greek community. “In situations like these one has to ask themselves what a strong public figure like Arnold [Schwarzenegger] would do” said Pike PR Chair Mike Marongiu. “He is a beautiful, beautiful man.”

Others at the meeting were even less pleased with the events that occurred. Robby Simmons, Sigma Chi’s IFC representative stated “Yo, did you hear about that shit, they were totally dissin’ on my bro [ΠΚΑ fraternity] and I’m not cool with that. I talked to Jesse and he was fuckin’ pissed, too. Dude I don’t know, I’d be down to go beat on some fools cuz that shit’s not chill.”

A Delta Sigma representative assured Simmons that those hosting the party were “a bunch of little bitches” for taking the actions in question. He also guaranteed he would defend their mutual interests with the ΠΚΑ fraternity, forcefully if necessary. “I’d totally call on the bros for this one; we could probably take them with only like six of our guys. Dude, Davey could probably beat their asses by himself.”

The two then exchanged a series of high fives, laughs, and chest bumps while yelling “EXTREME!” while the rest of the council solemnly nodded around the IFC table, shaped like a beer bottle with two large boobs at its base.