Administration Delighted With Student Efforts to Prevent Dehydration

‘Everyone’s Carrying Bottles,’ Beams Chancellor Fox

“Student” Ronnie Deamer clinks a handle of fresh, natural spring water with Chancellor Fox. - photo by Mike Rossmassler

Michael Swaim

Administrators and Student Health staff are reporting their pride in the student body, which has, according to Chancellor Fox, “taken a sudden and admirable interest in preventing dehydration.” Fox, speaking on Library Walk, then noted a group of bottle-carrying students passing by, and shook their hands in an attempt to show her appreciation. Said one of the students, peering intently at the Chancellor from mere inches away, “Man, you ugly.”

The students then continued on, Fox smiling after them and noting, “Look at them, so full of nourishing, life-giving water that they are literally stumbling.” She continued, “After all, good hydration is what the Sun God Festival is all about.” It was later reported by many sources that this is not, in fact, true.

Nevertheless, Student Health advocates have also applauded student efforts to stay hydrated. Said Dr. Jacobs, resident physician, “Dehydration can cause a number of ill effects, and it’s wonderful to see the student body responding so enthusiastically to an often overlooked ailment.”

Jacobs reported that she had even seen students so dedicated that they literally attached water bottles to their hands with duct tape. “It really gives you faith in today’s youth,” she added, before excusing herself to deal with yet another in a series of mysterious alcohol poisonings.

Students walking around campus have corroborated the administration’s views. Tom Leslie, a Revelle senior, proudly displayed his elaborate “hydration kit,” which includes a keg of Pedialyte, a water-funneling tube device, and an assortment of shot glasses for “that quick hydration fix.” Leslie then shouted “Who wants some hydration?!” to students gathered below his balcony before spraying them down with some sort of carbonated water he procured from a sealed champagne bottle.

Leslie assured administrators that the rank smell and taste of most of his liquid product was due to “special hydrating enzymes.” He then added, “You gotta put some mixers in that shit.”

Alicia Krebbs and Sam Shih, Warren students, said that hydration during the Sun God Festival was their top priority. Said Krebbs, “We drink water, Gatorade, all sorts of hydrating liquids.” Added Shih, “One time I drank so much Gatorade that I thought the Cat in the Hat statue in front of Geisel was real.”

Shih then wet his pants, excusing the act by saying, “What goes in must go out,” while Krebbs laughed jubilantly and chanted, “Ooh, party foul.”

Another “Warren student,” an Officer Harvey Koenig according to his badge, then materialized and took Shih and Krebbs away for a “special hydration symposium.”