Castration Dungeon Not What It Sounds Like, Say Police
Ironically chained to a large, sturdy pole, castration victim Victor Suarez awaits his next session of Sex and the City, a television show he has been trained to enjoy, despite poor writing, acting an - photo by Mike Rossmassler
Tom Worger
On March 30th in Waynesville, North Carolina, sheriff’s deputies raided what was reputed to be a real life castration dungeon. What they found was a den of emasculation rivaling a full afternoon of antique hunting.
Three men had been kept in the basement of a rural home for an unknown period of time. They had been subjected to the most humiliating torture possible, including building relationship scrapbooks, yoga, and being forced to watch Beaches four times a day. The sheriff and his deputies were shocked at what they saw. Sheriff’s deputy John Greenwald recounted the event, saying, “It was pretty bad in there. I could tell that they had obviously been there awhile from the stench of jasmine bath cream.”
The horror did not stop once the men had been freed. Disturbing revelations were made after their rescue. Sheriff Tom Alexander said, “I’ve been doing this for over twenty years, and I have never seen anything like this.” Among the items discovered were cases upon cases of makeup including gallons of an FDA-banned cold cream that was pulled from the market after being linked with an irrational fanaticism for the television show The View.
The ringleaders of the event were detained shortly afterward, as they were captured when returning home from a morning at the flea market looking for the “perfect coffee table” to “really bring the dungeon together.” Suspected castration organizer, Stuart Martin, explained, “I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about. I believe that we’re being persecuted for our lifestyle by the penis-loving powers that be.”
Police are charging that Martin’s personal life became public when he began putting flyers around the neighborhood advertising the tri-state “Weenie Roast” to be held in his basement.
Authorities have thus far been baffled by the men’s compliance and enthusiasm for the situation they were rescued from. “When we came in they were all tied to the chairs watching season five of Sex in the City. They were just screaming about how much they hated Carrie for giving up on Aden. Personally I still think the season was redeemable because of Miranda and Steve’s baby,” Alexander said, quickly adding, “Wait, you didn’t hear that. No comment.”
The bust has left many in the community wondering why and how could it have happened in this small town. Waynesville resident Kevin Murphy said, “I am both saddened and disgusted by this. To think that human beings were capable of such things shakes my value system to its very core.” Murphy continued, “This is almost as bad as that time those boys were caught playing with dolls.”
“But,” Murphy added, rhythmically hitting a tire iron against the palm of his upturned hand, “we learned them good.”
The County District Attorney Michael Bonfoey has pledged that these men will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. As all three men took part in the activities willingly after traveling to Waynesville for the expressed purpose of such services, they are being charged with premeditated self-emasculation in the first degree. According to the town charter, the maximum penalty of such crime is to be drawn and quartered by four of the strongest mules the victim’s family can provide. The minimum penalty is to be spanked and called a dirty girl by the local magistrate.