Eighth Grader Stays Back for Second Year in Effort to Win School Presidency, Fails

Teack (right), posing with three classmates, all of whom have at some point bested him in an election. Teack is pictured in his “Next Governor of California” shirt, borrowed from his older cousin, a d - photo by Dan Zembrosky

Dan Zembrosky

Local eighth grader William Teack, who has been held back twice, once again lost the race for the presidency of Warren Evans Middle School.

The winner of the race, Omir Nasesh, who students readily identified as “reasonably corrupt” was favored by most who consider Teack “an overwhelming bag of douche; a self-serving narcissist whose few noble or feasible ideas are completely undermined by his blatant quest for power as a means to negate the pitiful existence that he understands as his life.”

During the course of the actual voting period, Teack was reported to have spent the entirety of the 120 hours in front of his computer refreshing the online voting results page an average of once every 9.6 seconds. Despite his best efforts, however, his mental commands to the computer to display more votes in his favor failed repeatedly.

Teack also ran and lost in last year’s presidential race, after purposely failing all of his courses for the previous year besides physical education, which local P.E. teacher Edward Halderbach asserts “Teack failed with unquestionable legitimacy.”

“He couldn’t perform one sit-up,” continued Halderbach. “Though he was an above average hula-hooper. The kid has hips like a Puerto Rican stripper; just narrower and pastier.”

Many believed Teack’s chances this year were better than last, citing a changed political strategy and the addition of a California driver’s license to his list of qualifications.

“In ’05 Teack promised more school dances, Swedish-sleep-system naptime mats, free soda fountains and a second Sun God Festival,” noted middle-school political pundit Jeremy Tan. Tan outlined how Teack’s change of party name from the “Super-Awesome-Best-Party-Ever-Times-a-Million” to “United Students” helped to make the candidate appear less like a “pandering simpleton.”

Teack also added several running mates to his platform in order to attract a new demographic of voters. These running mates included vice presidential candidate Emilia Lee, who despite having no experience and facing off against a well qualified opponent, believed her newly sprouted bosom would attract a large percentage of male votes. Also, whenever in public, Teack was seen with Jason Brown, a token African American that never declared what position he was seeking.

These political maneuvers, in conjunction with vehicular mobility, led many to believe that Teack might achieve a newfound respectability. However, after Teack’s acquisition of a license, students noticed that he only used the offer of free rides as a ploy.

“We were driving to McDonalds and he kept on telling me I owed him,” recounted sixth grader Nancy McPherson, “At first I thought he just wanted me to buy him a burger or give him a blow job or something, but then I realized he wanted my vote.”

Added McPherson, “Seriously, if he was any bigger of a tool you would need a special permit and six-months in a trade school to operate him.”

Added McPherson, “I mean really, what kind of pathetic piece of shit stays back for two years just to win a school presidency? No one even cares.”

Added McPherson, “Someone should just put a bullet through his head and end his misery. It’s going to happen anyway. Anyone who puts this much stock into a meaningless position and loses repeatedly is only months away from a suicidal breakdown. Mark my words: within the next three years he’s going to be found by a Chula Vista motel cleaning woman in a pool of his own blood with a letter that isn’t even spelled or punctuated properly that criticizes the world for not appreciating his genius.”

Added McPherson, “What a fucking loser.”