Everone Just Plain Goes Nuts

Local musician Harold Farthing (right) celebrates Sun God by performing a free acoustic set for students gathered outside Geisel Library. - photo by Dan Zembrosky

Michael Swaim

Sources report that students just totally went completely insane this week during the annual Sun God Festival. Many were seen engaging in activities ranging from the mildly nutballish to the outright crazier than a can of refried dog shit. The source of the batshit looniness is most likely the amount of alcohol consumed by the UCSD student body, which is reportedly enough to kill a fleet of dialysis-enabled Ted Kennedys.

Throughout the morning, students were observed completely just taking off their pants, like, right there on Library Walk, talking to RSOs totally all plastered and shit, and this one kid was even reported to have snarfed like three bags of Bugles and then hurled them all over John’s stereo system, totally putting the kibosh on the whole dance party and everything.

Said one student, “Hurrr, grah shmuhh.” His friend Zandy Martinez elaborated, saying that he totally got his shit fucked up doing this sick drinking game where you take a shot whenever the Chancellor requisitions another ten thousand dollars. Reliable witnesses say that it was only a matter of minutes before the student was like all on the floor and everything, and all laughing and moaning like “Hurr,” and all like “Shmuhh,” and shit.

Still other students have reported being absolutely out of their fucking gourds to Student Health. The drinking-related disease apparently has symptoms including, but not limited to: giddiness, lightheadedness, a fuckin’ sweet-ass dorm party where your buddy totally hooks up with this one chick in a broom closet and completely lets you tape the whole thing, and schizophrenia.

Later on in the day, many students took going fucking apeshit to the complete next level. Metaphorically speaking, it soon became apparent that the “Emeril” of the UCSD student psyche kicked it up a whole grip of notches, exclaiming “Bam!” at every step of the way.

Senior student Lisa Munroe, in a stupefying, mind-bending reality fuck, unhinged every joint in her body and flopped, sac-like, all the way Down Library walk. “That was some funky shit,” exclaimed a passerby, taking a shot and instantly lifting weightless into the air and all waving his arms like a bird and shouting, “Oh shit I’m a bird! Look, I’m a fucking bird!”

According to other sources, people is…oh, fuck, I typed “is” and I meant “are.” Yeah, that’s definitely a mistake; the grammar check’s right on top of it. Hold on…wait, am I typing or talking? Oh, shit, that’s…that’s fucking weird. I mean, we’re not even, like, in the paper anymore. I mean we’re in it, but we’re like even more in it than being in it, you know? Like, this isn’t news, this is…like beyond the news. But you guys, I got to tell you…I mean, people were all flying and like, there’s this kid who’s on fire, but instead of fire it’s bees, and…Fuck. I’m sorry, you guys. I can’t do this anymore. Everything’s…um…you know what? I’m just going to chill for a while, okay?

Okay, yeah, sounds like a plan. Oh, uh, don’t let me swallow my tongue. Thanks.