Three-Tricycle Pileup Closes Hallway, Ouchies Reported

“Ring! Ring! Ring! Banana phone!” was the last reported statement of Blake Adams (pictured left) before the terrifying collision. - photo by Mike Rossmassler

John Miller

Three people were transported to the nurse’s office early Thursday after a multiple injury hallway traffic pileup at La Jolla Elementary. Amongst injuries sustained, authorities were relieved to report only boo-boos, owwies, and a few minor cases of ouchies.

The collision occurred on the northeast ramp near the lunchroom at about 10:02 am, officials said. The hallway in the northern wing of the school was closed for several hours, giving authorities time to sort through the wreckage and clean up a juice box spill. The closure strained transit routes making it difficult for students to reach the kindergarten classrooms otherwise known as “baby school”.

No one cried in the accident that is being blamed on the fading semicircular lines that outline the range of classroom doors. Despite the lack of casualties, this is the most serious traffic accident since last year’s tragic “fall-down-go-boom” episode when those involved suffered as many as 13 bumps and raspberries.

Onlookers report that the initial tricycle swerved abruptly to avoid an opening door, finding itself in the way of oncoming traffic. The accident, which occurred during the beginning of the recess traffic surge, is expected to ignite a wave of proposed legislation including a tiered recess schedule, door outline maintenance program, and free ice cream for everyone.

While road conditions were a contributing factor, a conclusive cause of the accident has not yet been established. Driver negligence/intoxication has not been ruled out. Blood glucose levels were recorded on the scene as high as 0.42. One driver, Taryn Foley, told the active hall Monitor that she had only two bowls of Coco Puffs and was still “cool to drive.”

“I wanna go pray on the sliy, ‘cuss, ‘cause Jeremy said fwat giba weeely fass and –en foooosh! But ca- n, ju all; Want me to ask my mom if you can come over to my house?” Riverdale hall Monitor Charles Castillo said Tuesday morning.

If a driver is found to be at fault, there could be severe fiscal repercussions as the total estimated vehicular damage reached the six allowances and Lunchables™ for two weeks mark. Pending any possible civil trial there seems to be a gross conflict of interest as all three parties have cited “mommy” as their representation.

A senior administrative official arriving on the scene shortly after the accident has assured reporters he is scheduling times for individual conferences with the parties involved. Eye witnesses could be heard heralding remarks such as, “Uh oh! You’re busssssted!”

One of the drivers reportedly cried from beneath an overturned foot pedal-propelled vehicle, “No, no! You don’t need to call home, I’ll be good!”

When reached for comment, the students’ primary disciplinarian, first-grade educator Priscilla Wordstrom said, “I know a few of my little pookies who won’t be getting a gold star today, I’m even putting their names on the board with two checkmarks.” This leaves the likelihood of the pizza party highly in doubt.