Canada Responsible for Mad Cow, Fat Children
Off-putting and blameful Canadian Tommie Nattuck with mad cow Bessie the Brown.
Dan Jackson
Food and Drug Administration spokesman Henry Park announced in a press conference Monday that “investigators have found Canada to be responsible for Mad Cow disease, as well as the rise of obesity in America’s children.” According to Park, the epidemics of both Mad Cow disease and obesity have “arrived to our shores from our diabolical northern neighbors, the Canadians.”
“The Canadians have a history of tainting meat and spreading corpulence,” added Park. “It has become apparent that they recycle bovines into cow feed as well as pour maple syrup on everything. No wonder our nation’s youth are so portly that they can’t even get out of the bed in the morning.”
Park cited numerous pieces of evidence to back up his claims, including the assertion that “Canadians have donut stands called ‘Tim Hortons’ that pump out fat like Exxon pumps out oil.” He further argued that American cities among the border are bearing the brunt of the corpulence originating from Canada. He cited the city of Detroit, which was recently found to have the highest obesity rate in America. “Coupled with the dementia brought about from Mad Cow disease, America’s children are now giant, blubbering reservoirs of lard. In Detroit, parents have to roll their children down the street to super-size busses in order to to get them to school. The Canadian menace must be destroyed!”
“I never did trust those Canucks,” said Montana cattle farmer Arod Turkle. “They decriminalized marijuana, legalized gay marriage, and enjoy universal healthcare as well as Saturday-night curling. How can you call curling a sport? Only a people seriously afflicted with Mad Cow would use a broom to sweep ice. Everything north of the border is an abomination to God. Our wise President really needs to do something about this.” He quickly added, “Of course, one must not forget the real victims: our children.”
Nationwide, America’s children are showing the effects of Canada’s monstrous and detrimental influence. One Houston parent, Veronica Landis, says of her child, “Susie used to be so slim and athletic. When she was five, she was changing channels at a sixth grade level! Then one morning, she watched [Canadian] William Shatner perform his spoken word rendition of ‘Who Let the Dogs Out.’ She now uses food to fill the void in her soul.” Mrs. Landis then began sobbing, using the end of her daughter’s muumuu as a makeshift handkerchief.
President Bush demanded an explanation from Canadian health officials. “Mad Cow disease and obesity are obstacles to successfulness in our children’s future,” he said in a nationally televised speech. “But as I promised beforehand, no child will be left behind. We must test children for obesity every year and hold Canadians accountable if our children consistently fail to slim down.”
“The situation is currently under control and we are deeply soory about any problems we may have brought aboot,” said Robert MacDonald, the Canadian Minister of Health, as the Americans press core laughed and traded high fives for the next several hours. MacDonald explained that “Mad Cow is really a byproduct of British colonialism that we Canadians arejust now beginning to distance ourselves from,” and blames America’s obesity on “constant reruns of ‘Kids in the Hall’ episodes in which secret subliminal messages such as ‘nobody loves you but this here drumstick’ and ‘eat yourself to death’ are common.”
“In this growing time of urgency and fat children, our nation’s citizens have called upon its leaders to act appropriately,” said food safety advocate Terra White. In a White House press conference, secretary Scott McClellan consoled the wounded nation: “We will stay strong during this national struggle. We will soon be freed from the atrocity of eating buckets of meat and having to grease our children through doorways. The president believes that we must pre-empt any danger from our northern neighbor and is currently appealing to the UN for a multi-national ‘coalition of the willing.’ Believe me, those moose fuckers will pay.”