Magic School Bus Tried for Sexual Assault

Once again, a Magic School Bus completely ruins little Arnold’s pirate-themed birthday bash. - photo by Andrew Cussen

Kyle Smith

By Kyle Smith

Staff Writer

Beloved educational device and mass transportation vehicle the Magic School Bus was charged with sexual misconduct this week following an unplanned field trip from Highfield Elementary School. The bus, which has refused to comment on the charges, has been accused of “salacious and lascivious misconduct” towards Arnold Dettmeier, a student in Ms. Frizzle’s class.

“It all started off pretty harmless, I guess,” explained Dettmeier. “I would go on class field trips with Ms. Frizzle and the gang, you know, to places like volcanoes, anthills, or the bottom of the sea. But then my relationship with the Magic School Bus got a little more personal, and I wasn’t comfortable with it.” Although the Magic School Bus’ lawyers read a statement yesterday denying all charges, young Dettmeier insists that he was harassed and assaulted.

“I’ll never forget the eerie feeling I got the first time one of those big eyeball-shaped headlights winked at me while the eyebrow-esque windshield wipers jutted up suggestively. I tried to ignore it, but after a few days of this subtle flirting, the Magic School Bus started in with the sexual innuendos: ‘Hey Arnold, you can ride me anytime,’ or ‘Wow, after that trip to the anthill, I could sure use a nice hot sponge bath,’ or ‘Your hair looks good today. Almost as good as your crotch bulge.’”

During an unplanned field trip, says Ms. Frizzle, she first noticed the scope of the problem. The class and school bus had been shrunk down to microscopic size so that they could explore Arnold’s body. Needless to say, Arnold himself was absent from the trip. “The field trip was as wacky and zany as ever,” recalled Frizzle. “We had learned about the circulatory system and were finishing up the digestive tract. But then the Magic School Bus shouted, ‘Hey, I think I found a way out!’ Then it began to force its way through Arnold’s anal passage and yelled, ‘Whoops, maybe this is actually an entrance.’” The bus repeated these two lines dozens of times, feigning surprise and confusion before deciding to head up to the nasal passage to be sneezed out. Said Frizzle, “Immediately I contacted the appropriate authorities to alert them to the problem.”

Further inquiry has shown that Arnold was even invited, with parental consent, to a sleepover at the Magic School Bus’ place of residence. A search warrant has been issued for the premises despite the urging of the accused that it was “just being nice and sharing a bed.” Recent polls show that the public doesn’t accept that explanation, however, and generally finds the whole situation “awkward and creepy.”

Preliminary hearings for the School Bus’s trial will begin at the start of next week, as jury selection continues throughout the course of tomorrow. Disputes have already broken out between the prosecution and the defense over the defense’s propensity to favor jurors who are both auto enthusiasts and paroled sex offenders.

After an attempted assassination was made on Ms. Frizzle, the key witness to the prosecution, she was placed in witness protection and replaced with a substitute teacher. “Life pretty much blows now at school,” downcast student J.P. Abraham somberly admitted. “Ms. Frizzle is gone.”

Abraham said Ms. Frizzle was “the heart of the school, the muthafuckin’ Frizz.” Now, he says, she has been replaced with “some tool substitute” named Mr. Derkins. Instead of the Magic School Bus, students now travel with Mr. Derkins on Petey the Enchanted Train. Abraham warned to “not even get me started on how much that sucks ass.”

As the days go on, students, parents and faculty “try to maintain bright spirits” through the course of the normal academic year. However, many complain, as one teacher did, that “all is shrouded by a dark cloud that gives the permeating feeling of awkward uncertainty, like that of being pressed up against a stranger on the subway who may have an erection or may be carrying a banana, yet there is no way to tell which.”