Kerry and Edwards Seize Iowa Caucus with Giant Robotic Centipede Army

Kerry and Edwards campaigning in Iowa on a single-payer health care/arthropod domination platform. - photo by Andrew Cussen

Ted McCombs

In an unexpected turn of events, Democratic presidential hopefuls Sen. John Kerry (D-MA) and Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) won first and second place, respectively, in the Iowa caucus, thanks in large part to the hordes of giant robotic centipedes at their command. Senator Kerry celebrated his victory in Iowa with much mead and boiled mutton, followed by the ritual beheading of a captured Dean supporter.

For Edwards, who had been lagging heavily in the polls since November, a second place win in Iowa represents “an incredible boost to the campaign.” Said Edwards’s campaign manager Garathor Doomstrike, “Combining forces with Kerry and fomenting a cyborg-insect army was a bold move, and it definitely paid off. Iowa is now under our control, and we look forward to the domination of more states as we unleash our robotic centipedes on the New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries in the upcoming weeks.”

CNN political analyst Charles Cook expressed surprise at Senator Edwards’s leap in the polls. “Certainly, no one saw this coming. Everything showed Dr. Dean in the lead, but then a lot of people have been disenchanted with Dean’s seemingly cynical, angry mindset. They want to embrace Edwards’s hope and optimism, and prefer not to be forced into their cornfields while fleeing from his insectival armies of terror.” Added Cook, “Edwards has centipede clout, which is something the Dean campaign just lacks.”

Senator Kerry hasn’t yet explained his reasons for allying with Edwards in the battle for Iowa. When asked by a reporter to justify creating the hundreds upon hundreds of flesh-hungry animatronic centipedes, the Massachusetts senator, with his characteristic aloofness and geniality, responded by feeding the reporter to the centipedes.

Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-MO) has officially dropped out of the presidential race, expressing his dismay at “the use of genocidal robots to sway voters.” Lamented the congressman, “It’s just not about the issues anymore.”

The other Democratic hopefuls are less discouraged and are developing a campaign which “may include the creation of giant robot millipedes or grasshoppers,” said Rev. Al Sharpton. “The Battle for Iowa may be over,” said Howard Dean, “but the War for Earth has just begun.”