Archaeologists Discover Native American Dwellings, Slot Machines

This site, unearthed by archaeologists, is believed to be a shrine to the swarthy Indian God of fruit and cake. - photo by Andrew Cussen

Dan Zembrosky

Deep within the lush forests of Riverside, California an archaeological expedition has unearthed what they believe to be “the largest concentration of Native American artifacts found in the last 200 years.”

Among the artifacts found at the site have been authentic headdresses, arrowheads, paintings, gaming tables and slot machines.

“These guys loved slots,” explained archaeologist Z’had Mintrafkin. “Video poker too.”

The team has brought generators to the site in order to power these devices in an effort to “see what authentic indigenous life was like.”

“There were different castes within their society,” explained Mintrafkin. “Those at the gaming tables were the active, social members, whereas those at the slots were more spiritual and meditative, keeping themselves to themselves and remaining in one spot for up to seventeen days at a time, we believe.”

“They had incredible staying power,” added Mintrafkin.

The findings also indicate that different castes tended to eat different foods. “Those at the slots and video poker were lavished with ‘all-you-can-eat’ banquets.” Mintrafkin continued to explain that those at the gaming tables were forced to subsist only upon liquids that the tribe elders saw fit to bestow upon them.

“This was as informal form of slavery they called ‘comping.’” explained Mintrafkin. “Many believed that after enough ‘comps’ a tribesman could experience a ‘spirit vision’ — sometimes at the table, but often within the stall of the ‘resting room.’”

The team came to their conclusions after simulating what these conditions were like with the aid of the generators. In order to gain a firsthand understanding of the lifestyle, many of Mintrafkin’s team spent hours utilizing the primitive machinery. Consequently, over 20 members of the team have refused to leave their video poker machines despite the threat of losing their jobs and several instances of mild electrocution due to the extremely advanced age of the machines.

“The electric shocks occur on a variable interval schedule,” explained psychologist Wintram Browder. “The players think they can beat the machines because of that pattern.”

The excavation has lead scientists to believe that the population of the tribes were largely elderly. “This was a people with an extreme reverence for their elders,” explained Mintrafkin. “Over 80 percent of the ‘slots caste’ were over the age of 60 and, as we have seen, were lavished with food, slot tokens and, for some currently unknown reason, Canadian pharmaceuticals.”

Mintrafkin’s team recently uncovered a large wheel over nine feet in diameter on which they believe virgins were sacrificed in order to win a “dream vacation,” the most coveted of all positions in the afterlife.

Other findings indicate there were up to nine different tribes in the region, all competing to appease their two most important gods: Luck and “the Benevolent Lord Jack Pot.”