God to Face Prison Sentence for Crimes Against Humanity
Divine Defense Attorney declares, “Thou shalt not uphold my client’s conviction!” - photo by Michael Truex
Charles White
In an unprecedented decision announced earlier today, the United States Supreme Court has found God Himself guilty of crimes against humanity—crimes that prosecuting attorney Lewis Reynolds characterizes as “horrific, grisly and almost too numerous to list.” This marks the first time in history that a deity has been charged with criminal activity. Beginning with small charges of criminal neglect and violations of restraining orders, the case snowballed into one of biblical proportions as new evidence surfaced.
The numerous charges against God, numbering 613 in all, range from assault with deadly weapons such as floods, fires, locusts, and herpes to the creation of people such as Jennifer Lopez. “We have evidence that God’s crimes were all perpetrated deliberately,” stated Reynolds. “As far back as history goes, God has ceaselessly intervened in human activities—oftentimes with the unregulated use of germ warfare, unparalleled natural disasters, forced human sacrifice, and other cold-hearted crimes.”
The case is far from settled for theologians across the country, many of whom are petitioning for God’s acquittal. “God works in mysterious ways. There is no evidence that God is the direct cause of any of the crimes He has been charged with,” argued Eric Christianson of Dick & Jane University. “God is an intangible force rather than a sentient deity. The whole situation is a lot more complicated than people think. You can’t just throw this guy in jail, even if He did let Carrot Top plague the earth.”
Lewis Reynolds disagrees and cites the Torah, the New Testament, and Veggie Tales cartoons as evidence of His guilt. “God has a paper trail over two thousand years old. We have thousands of witnesses who admit to having conversations with Him. He is well known in practically every society as the creator of all life, death, and everything that ever was or will be. This guy is guilty of every crime in the books. The trial is over and the jury made the right decision.”
God’s defense attorney Ben Carrow commented, “I did my best to defend God, but I’m afraid to say that He didn’t have much to stand on.” Added Carrow, “I mean, He’s the indelible source of all serial killers, black widow spiders, and cancer. All stomach flu germs, Elvis impersonators, and bad haircuts. The list goes all the way to the Teletubbies that hypnotize my four-year-old child into a drooling stupor every weekday morning.”
The FBI initially brought the charges against God after collecting information on Him ever since the September 11th attacks. Said an anonymous FBI agent, “This guy has legions of followers all over the globe, all of them worshiping Him out of fear and a sick sort of love. I mean, what other motivation could there be for praising someone who harbored terrorists on His green earth, watching idly while our nation was attacked on that fateful day? How could he do this to us? How? I’m glad we’ve finally brought God to justice.”
Apprehending God to serve his prison sentence, however, is proving difficult. “He is with us always,” says Reynolds, “in the face of every child, in every gust of wind, in every blooming flower. Yet we can’t pin Him down, restrain Him to any finite space, or get Him to turn Himself in.”
While the Bush administration is confident that God will soon be found, FBI director Louis Freeh is more skeptical: “God hasn’t issued a press release for several thousand years, and despite an enormous cult following, we have almost no leads as to His whereabouts. Right now there are one hundred and six white Broncos traveling in every conceivable direction in Los Angeles alone. Factor in every other make and model of car, then factor everything that isn’t a car at all, then do that for every city and town on Earth, and you’ll get an idea of the kind of constant surveillance we’ll need.”
Added Freeh, “Christ, I just hope he doesn’t smite my poor vulnerable body with a lightning bolt for serving Him that subpoena.”
If found, God faces five consecutive life sentences, fifty years for cultivating mass quantities of marijuana, and five years for evading arrest. Reynolds commented, “When we do get Him, He’s going away for a long time.”