Da Vinci Arrested for Terrorist Acts

A court artist’s depiction of Da Vinci’s terrible mutants at work. - photo by Dan Zembrosky

Michael Swaim

Leonardo da Vinci, one of Florence’s most prominent minds and artists, was taken into custody today after crashing “some sort of flying machine” into the Tower of Pisa. Though the tower survived the crash, the impact has caused the once perpendicular structure to slant slightly to one side. As a result, reports of patrons falling and spraining their ankles have since increased.

Upon investigation of Da Vinci’s home, police discovered sketches they believe indicate the artist’s interest in creating “four-armed, four-legged mutant supermen.” The mutants, if created, would pose a much larger threat than Da Vinci’s previous wave of mutants based on the Venus de Milo, say police.

In addition to the mutant sketches, police found many detailed illustrations of the human anatomy, drawn by Da Vinci. The judge at Da Vinci’s hearing broke peace in order to express his disgust when these drawings were presented. “Anyone trying to learn the specifics of how the human body functions can only be up to no good,” he said.

“Anyway,” he added, “as any pious man knows, the Earth is the center of the universe and the human body is a loose sac filled with God’s jelly.”

Investigators also presented a portrait that prosecutors claim details a possible escape plan. The portrait in question, which depicts a long-haired woman who is smiling slightly, has sparked much debate at Da Vinci’s preliminary hearings. While the artist denies that this drawing is indeed a self-portrait, prosecutors claim that it is “a detailed plan for disguising himself as a woman.”

“Look at the grim smirk,” said the District Attorney in his opening remarks. “Look at the bizarre foreign landscape behind her. Surely this is the terrorist haven to which Da Vinci planned to escape after unleashing his mutants on an unsuspecting world.”

As for the tower of Pisa, restoration efforts have been rejected in favor of simply “doing nothing.” The head of the project, Giorgio, said that things are “progressing very well along those lines.”

“At this rate,” he added, “counting cappuccino breaks and general ‘slack time,’ we’ll have the tower ready for visitors again within the month.”

Da Vinci has declined to comment on the proceedings, though he has written a journal he wished to publish “so that the Italian people might hear the truth.” Unfortunately, the journal appears to be completely illegible to any but Da Vinci himself. His defense lawyers are hoping to use the 3,000 pages of gibberish as supporting evidence in their insanity plea.